"Ooooh. Look at me, I'm reading the editorial! I'm so smart that today's daily news and opinions simply will not satiate my intellectual pallet." Well congratu-frickin-lations; you can read. You get a peanut, you pretentious ass.
You still here? What the hell do you want from us? We have to edit this whole damn paper in a dungeon all day long, and now you want to know what we think.
Here's a safe bet: Some man/woman did something stupid, ASASU should have stopped it but they're too busy impeaching one another, and all the while ASU President Michael Crow is off reviving some Dome project... Who the hell cares anymore?
Oh, that's right, you care. That's why you turn to read the editorial on a daily basis, isn't it?
Let's see. You're probably that student who likes to raise your hand to ask some annoyingly nit-picky question just before the teacher is about to let the class out.
Who the hell cares what kind of header the professor wants on the essay? "Do you want it bound, or stapled?" you ask. Keep asking those questions and you're about to get bound and stapled, you pedantic prick.
This is just ridiculous. We get to sit down here all night on Cinco de Mayo just so you can wake up the next morning and get the latest scoop about those things that concern you as an ASU student.
You know what we like best about you, tough stuff? You picked up a paper that had our University president's head superimposed on Stephen Baldwin's body, standing next to Pauly Shore, and you still had the nerve to wonder, "What does 'the board' think about this?"
Today's Stale Mess issue is one big joke, but that doesn't stop your inquiring mind. Maybe you just turned here to read something funny. Well try one of the 15 other pages, because we're all out of funny. Funny left this page a long time ago.
Are you still looking for the board's opinion? All right, we'll give. Turn to pg. 8 and you'll see what we think of you. Go ahead; it's the story about "Puppetry of the Anus."
Well... Now that we tell you it's about anuses you couldn't flip the page fast enough, could you?
No sir, all you want when you pick up your daily paper is a little editorial insight and to see a picture of an ass smoking a cigarette. You're wish is our command, you human boner.
Don't let this one scripted lashing deter you from reading this editorial in the future. There will be plenty of issues next year that you just can't live without knowing about. Jerk.
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