The ASU Academic Senate voted unanimously Monday afternoon to move to a Lucky Charms grading system. Hearts, stars, clovers, horseshoes and blue moons will be added to the list of grades professors can award students starting fall 2003.
Associated Students of ASU President Mike Leingang labeled the Senate's decision as a victory for students.
"We had a rough time for the past few weeks trying to get the Senate to understand student concerns about a new grading system," Leingang said. "Students didn't want plus/minus grading, but they also wanted the Senate to stop bickering and to choose a damn system already."
Leingang said the turning point in negotiations came as soon as ASASU presented the Senate with a statuette of Lucky the Leprechaun.
"As soon as we put that little green leprechaun in the tight green shorts on the table, [the Senate] caved," Leingang said. "Who can resist that sexy green bastard? Grrrr!"
The new grading system is modeled after the fabulous meal you refer to as "breakfast." Each year at a ceremony on the first day of school, a student who will only be known as "Lucky" will wrestle himself in a giant bowl of milk-soaked Lucky Charms. After the student jumps out of the bowl, the number of each kind of marshmallow clinging to his or her body will be tallied and will represent a letter grade. For example, if the tally came out to be 42 hearts, 30 moons, 18 horseshoes, 10 stars and three blue moons, then hearts would correspond to an A, moons would correspond to a B, horseshoes would correspond to a C and so on.
The Senate will determine how grade point averages will be presented on transcripts at a meeting next Monday.
ASU President Michael Crow applauded the Senate's respectable proposal and said he would wholeheartedly sign the measure as soon as it reached his desk.
"In order to become the Great American University, ASU must be at the forefront of higher education," Crow said, popping his devil horns back into his head. "The new Lucky Charms grading system will be as wildly successful as the Biosphere2 and Fathom.com projects at Columbia University and will be emulated by Harvard and Yale within the next three years."
The Senate will forward the proposal for Crow to sign next month.
Parliamentarian David Burstein said he was livid that the Senate would haphazardly approve such an inaccurate grading system.
"What about the new marshmallow rainbows?" he pleaded at the meeting. "We don't have enough grading alternatives, and now that we have the chance to pass a more accurate system, we choose to exclude the pots of gold?! Oh dear Lord! What about the red balloons? We are doing a terrible disservice to students."
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