Ladies and gentlemen, breathe a sigh of relief. The hunt for the worst movie of 2003 is over. The buck stops with Gigli, the heavily hyped mobster romantic comedy starring this year's It Couple, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez. Gigli is disgusting, unfunny, unromantic, rude, offensive, annoying, crude, pointless and thoroughly implausible.
Larry Gigli (rhymes with "really") is a mobster working in Los Angeles, doing the typical grunt work: he threatens people who owe other people money. His boss, Louis, gives him a big assignment. He must kidnap the mentally challenged brother of the L.A. federal prosecutor. Why? Because that prosecutor is planning to put an East Coast mob boss to jail; if his brother were kidnapped, the attorney might drop the charges.
However, Louis doesn't trust Gigli's skills, so he gets another professional hit man, Ricki, to monitor the action and help Gigli out. Of course, Gigli is immediately attracted to Ricki, but there's a problem: she's a lesbian. The rest of the movie is about their budding relationship, and the relationship between them and their mentally handicapped hostage.
I honestly can't imagine how anyone could ever make this material watchable. Martin Brest, the writer, co-producer and director of Gigli, has made quality movies in the past (Beverly Hills Cop, Scent of a Woman), so it's confusing as to how this qualified filmmaker could make something so cringe-worthy and unintelligent.
Affleck and Lopez are to blame, although not nearly as much as Brest. The two are merely actors; in this film, the most generous term for their acting is "bland." Once or twice during Gigli, you can sense a smidgen of chemistry between Affleck and Lopez, but overall there is no supporting evidence to the claim that the two actors fell in love, for real, on the set.
Justin Bartha, as Brian, the mentally handicapped brother, is given the most thankless job. His character is so pathetically written (imagine a younger version of Raymond from Rain Man) and given so many stereotypical tics to deal with that Bartha is only barely able to salvage a bit of dignity.
In what are essentially cameos, Christopher Walken, Lainie Kazan and Al Pacino do their best to elevate themselves above the material. There's no question that Walken and Pacino, as a detective and an East Coast mob boss, respectively, shine during their time onscreen. However, their characters are basically pointless. Walken is able to liven up the proceedings due to his slanted delivery; Pacino gets everything rolling by being his usual over-the-top self.
The problem here is with the script, by Brest. Think of it: why would you hire a supposedly inefficient mobster for an apparently important job? Why not just hire someone equally inefficient? Or, better yet, why not just hire someone who's qualified?
One of the many off-color jokes in the movie (involving Gigli reading Brian the back of a Tabasco sauce jar) is equally implausible for one fact. Brian is sleeping on the couch of Gigli's apartment. Next to the couch is a coffee table. Gigli picks the jar of Tabasco sauce off the coffee table, which is nowhere near the kitchen. Why would you keep Tabasco sauce away from the kitchen?
There's an air of pointlessness to the movie. One of the characters is Ricki's lover, a spiteful woman who, once told she can't have the vivacious Ricki, slits her wrists, for all (including the audience) to see. Why? Because, for the plot to advance, Gigli and Ricki need to go to the hospital. What better way than having Ricki's flame try to commit suicide?
Gigli insulted my intelligence, which is rare for a movie. The acting is of poor quality, the story line and dialogue are as weak as can be, and the direction is boring and uninvolving. Maybe you're interested in what's basically Rain Man meets Chasing Amy meets Goodfellas. Maybe you're interested in a movie that is sure to offend every gay and lesbian group in the country, as well as mentally handicapped people (who, in Martin Brest's opinion, are worth laughing at). I know I'm not. There may be another film this year that is worse than Gigli. But I don't want to find out.
Josh Spiegel is an entertainment reporter for the Web Devil. Reach him at joshua.spiegel@asu.edu.
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