Occult, pagan rituals overtook our country on Friday.
This news may be shocking shocking and a little scary, but it's true. After the madness and narcotic debauchery of Halloween, I was relieved to find that Christian ministries are looking out for me and other unsaved individuals.
While I groggily looked at my computer screen the day after Halloween, I was pleasantly surprised to find that the Web site "OBJECTIVE: Christian Ministries" (http://objective.jesussave.us) was there to help save the United States from fun and an eternity in a very hot place whose existence is debatable.
"OBJECTIVE: Christian Ministries" is out there watching out for the world. Its Web site proclaims that Halloween is "a time for occult dangers - when Satan is out trying to corrupt our society." Satan sure has some nerve trying to corrupt our society.
But that doesn't get "OBJECTIVE" down for a moment. It suggests that during Halloween, instead of handing out candy to the unsaved children who come "begging" at your door, you ought to point them in the right direction and hand out Bible passages instead. While doing so may get you labeled as the jerk on the corner who stiffed all the little kids, it will make the baby Jesus squeal in delight. When an organization is this outrageously optimistic, it just has to be awesome.
Luckily for all of us, "OBJECTIVE: Christian Ministries" doesn't stop at Halloween. It'll continue to try and save us for as long as we need saving. The most astonishing part of the Web site is the section set up for kids. Thanks to a stroke of genius - or possible copyright infringement - the organization came up with the idea to create a talking lamb named Lambuel who teaches kids about Jesus through fun games and biased characters.
These characters break down complex belief systems in a way young children may be able to understand. For instance, in an attempt to explain Hinduism to the children, "OBJECTIVE" created Habu, a Hindu elephant who has lost track of how many gods he worships. While Habu may be happy and content with his beliefs, "OBJECTIVE" doesn't let that discourage the children. It suggests that the children pray for Habu so that he may be able to find true happiness through loving Jesus, as opposed to the fake happiness that he experiences.
It's simply remarkable that this Web site has been able to break down such a complicated history of tradition and beliefs as Hinduism so that children will be able to understand how it works.
This portion of the Web site isn't all fun and games, though. It recognizes the immediate danger of atheists who will "lash out at children" and "try to trick you into neglecting God's word." It even has a character to help children recognize an atheist if one is ever in their presence: They certainly will be people who wear bathrobes and carry around a cup of coffee with them everywhere they go. Also, these bathrobed atheists are always sad and children should "avoid talking to them."
That's safe advice. You never know when an atheist might just lose control and start rambling about the science of evolution. Any kind of speech that suggests human beings were once ape-like creatures is just crazy talk. We were made from dirt, and children shouldn't be misled into believing these science fiction fairy tales.
Other characters include Hopsiah the Jewish Kangaroo, or Kanga-Jew as the site calls him. Hopsiah is very proud of his Jewish heritage. His family, along with all the other Jewish kangaroos, lived in Israel. Children also can learn fun facts from Professor Giraffenstein, who isn't Jewish but can inform you about the flaws in the evolution theory. For example, you may think that Neanderthals were apes, but you would be wrong: according to Professor Giraffenstein, Neanderthals were human beings with abnormal bone growth. In other words, thousands of years ago, there weren't any ancestral species - just deformed humans.
While the Lambuel system may not be part of the public school system's curriculum yet, it is great that there is an organization out there so committed to saving the world from fun, free thinking and common sense.
Christopher Fanning is a journalism junior. Reach him at christopher.fanning@asu.edu.
