It's my first day in hell, and I'm obviously underdressed.
When I accepted Mr. Spratling's gracious invitation to attend a recent College Republicans meeting, he said nothing about the suits. There were at least three of them among the crowd. Coupled with my tardy entry to the meeting, I could tell it was going to be a long afternoon.
Still, I was determined to record the meeting in all of its suit-clad, flag-waving glory. Seriously. The CR had come prepared and had hung an American flag behind the speakers' podium. They certainly get an 'A' for effort, because all I can ever remember bringing to Young Democrats meetings was a package of Crumb Donettes.
The candidate behind the podium was already full-bore into a stump speech for a state CR office, and he, too, had come prepared, with a mind-boggling 15 minutes of material. While I'm not familiar with the CR election process, I've seen presidential stump speeches with more brevity. And more wit too, but no one was here to be funny.
The young man from Tucson left no stone unturned. He addressed recruiting: "When we were recruiting in Tucson, parents were bringing their kids over to the table, telling them that, 'This is the responsible club on campus.' "
Wow. Nothing stirs my blood like joining my parents' party. Had I been sitting on the fence between the asses and the elephants, that really would have piqued my interest.
Next came minority outreach, the eternal bane of the Republican Party. "Just because people aren't White doesn't mean they can't be Republican."
Check. Attention EVERYBODY: The Republicans love you. And your vote. Really. I'm not sure whether the minorities had gotten the memo yet, because they hadn't seemed to show up in force at the meeting, but I'm sure the CR have had to open the floodgates since then.
After an oratory by a state senate candidate, Christina Corieri, chair of the ASU CR, invited me to address the group. (Note: Corieri refers to herself as both the chairman and the chairwoman of the CR on the group's Web page, but I really just think she wants people to know who's in charge, so I'll stick to chair.)
This was the proverbial monkey wrench in my plans because a) my great-grandmother always told me never to take on Republicans in large groups, and b) I'd forgotten my suit. But I decided to try and make the most of things, because a hasty exit was still a viable option.
Not wanting to jump in with both feet, I asked the group what they thought of our current president, and they all gave him thumbs-up. At the SAME TIME. While their unanimity was quite impressive, I had to wonder whether John Ashcroft has something to do with the instantaneous and identical response. (Insert jokes about puppet strings here.)
When I told them it probably wouldn't fly to print, "The crowd gave a thumbs-up," they burst into a thunderous round of applause, with all the fervor of a Pentecostal church. Now, we were getting somewhere.
I probed further. What about Mr. Kerry, then, the prospective Democratic presidential nominee? Corieri likened him to a fish, flopping from one position to another, on everything from education to the Patriot Act. The group characterized him as someone looking for a "free ride" to the White House.
And the new Bush ads that feature footage of Sept. 11 victims? Chalk it up to a "legitimate policy concern." While it was a terrible tragedy, Al Gore had politicized a lynching in Texas, and LBJ had sanctioned the worst ad EVER with Daisy's assertion that the Republicans were going to destroy the world. The Dems, they said, were just grasping at straws.
In the YD tradition of picking out GOP members to ridicule, I asked for a few of their least-favorite politicians. The Arizona governor was first, followed by Ted Kennedy, John McCain (didn't have the heart to tell them that he was their problem, not mine) and Jesse Jackson. They were okay with Joe Lieberman and Zell Miller, though.
Spratling suggested I ask whether the CR were pirate or ninja fans. While the crowd seemed pretty split on the whole deal, Corieri quickly closed the debate. Not only would dissent not be tolerated among the flock, but "we're not the Pirate Club."
I think the CR had their fill of me at this point, because Corieri rushed in with the shepherd's crook and whisked me from the podium in favor of more pressing business. While I'd certainly been enlightened, I think I'll stick with the Young Democrats and their casual Fridays. I don't think my Donettes would fly with the CR anyway.
Brian Clapp is the underground activities liaison for the Young Democrats at ASU. Reach him at wise.ass@asu.edu.
