Saturday night was officially my second-to-last Saturday night of college. I was reeling from losing a bunch of money betting on Tapit to win the Kentucky Derby. How could I lose with a horse that eats raw eggs and a pint of Guinness every morning? I don't know.
So, in true college fashion, I could have picked up a keg of Pabst and used it to hit the two-story beer bong with my roommates. We have this beer bong, leftover from the days when we lived in the Irish C Residence Hall, and we custom engineered it to reach from the dorm's second-floor balcony to the first-floor courtyard. It holds a little more than three cans of beer and empties in seconds. Now we have to put a guy in a sombrero on our house's roof to use it.
I didn't do that.
I could have made an attempt to drink the menu at Four Peaks, which involves pint after pint of strong and delicious Arizona beer, and made myself what Brian Clapp calls a "Four Peaks Scholar" (see his column on the opposite page). I missed out on the weekend when a few of my buddies did it, and I've been longing to catch up ever since.
Didn't do that one, either.
No, on my second-to-last Saturday night of college, I found myself at Arizona Mills mall, standing in line with my girlfriend to see "Mean Girls." Not "Jake's Booty Call," not even "Envy." Nope, it was "Mean Girls." We were in the front of the line. We were an hour early.
So what does that tell us about the college experience? I think it says you've got to learn to take it easy and to take it hard. Either that, or it means I'm whipped.
The end of college might very well mean the end of homework but also the end of beer bongs, beer pong, quarters, kegerators, house parties, reverse happy hours, spring breaks and free movie sneak previews (I'm still nuts about "The Chronicles of Riddick"). It also means the end of me making jokes about all that stuff in The State Press.
But I'll try my best not to get all sentimental in this column. Here's my breakdown of this semester:
ASU 101
While my less-than-regular informational column had its moments, I could have done a better job as TA. I paled in comparison to communication TA and Maxim "Hometown Hottie" finalist Nicole Priestly-Magana anyway. And while I had a tough time fitting that column into my rigorous editing schedule, at least I motivated somebody to steal the Ohio State flag from the old National Guard armory. Thanks to reader Victoria Gaytan for sending me that question.
Letters to the editor
I also owe a shout-out to everybody who took the time to flip out on us via e-mail. Thanks to those of you who sent calm and collected e-mails, too. I had a good time writing headlines that made fun of each letter. As of today, I don't read 'em anymore, but keep sending them. Your opinion is as important as anyone else's. Even mine.
Guest columns
This semester's number of "My Turn" guest columns gave the pages a new balance and perspective. Special thanks go to Maria Hernandez-Van Nest and Brian Collier who started off angry at the opinion desk and, through their great guest columns, wound up making these pages stronger.
MallRants
While everyone's favorite "man on the street" interviews have slowed down since spring break, I had a heck of a time hosting the show. Big "ups" to SDTV Channel 2 for lending us the equipment and to Web Devil editor Ryan Eilders for doing all the work. And we couldn't have done it without all the random students who were willing to get on camera and make fools of themselves for the sake of student opinion.
Talk Back
I never thought Talk Back would come into its own the way it did. I was overwhelmed with the number of people who took the time to dial (480) 965-6881 and say some crazy and smart stuff. Big thanks go to Bryan Wynne, who cast off the veil of anonymity and became Talk Back's No. 1 star.
And I saved the best for last. My team. My columnists. These guys and gals weathered a storm of incessant e-mails from me and put together solid columns week after week. At this point, I'll bet you're wondering what happened to them after this semester. Well, let me tell you:
Lucia Bill began a promising career as a lobbyist until, fed up with conservative leaders, she returned to Tempe and formed the Deadly Viper Escort Service.
Albert Ching moved to Europe, where he quickly became the world's hottest disc jockey. With the mad, phat cash he brought in, he bought himself a suit that enhanced his strength and gave him the ability to fly. The suit took him from super DJ to super villain, and he currently has plans to take over the Lattie F. Coor Building.
Rosie Cisneros became the most feared education reporter in Arizona. Her in-depth writing helped put Arizona's school system in the top 50 percent nationwide.
Brian Clapp launched a leisure studies graduate program and attracted a $50 million donation from Hugh Hefner. The Hugh Hefner School of Leisure Studies at ASU now ranks in the Princeton Review's top-five leisure studies programs. It is No. 1 in Playboy. With his bonus, Brian bought my roommate Derek Schaible's Pontiac Grand Am GT, which he threw up in as an undergraduate.
Nicole Girard bought some discount retail space in downtown Tempe and converted it into a dive sports bar that showcased all the best local music. The bar, called Drexel's Pub, won an award for best chicken wings in Phoenix.
Katie Kelberlau made millions writing sex books for the government of Singapore. She used the money to purchase land in Southeast Asia and set it aside as the world's largest wilderness preserve.
Ishtiaque Masud landed a spot on the second season of "The Apprentice." In the later rounds of the game, Ish formed an unlikely alliance with Omarosa. She turned around and stabbed him in the back with a pen. Ish recovered, but not before Donald Trump could fire him.
Katie McCrory stayed in America for so long that she couldn't remember the difference between Great Britain and the United Kingdom. Outraged, the queen of England had her locked away in the Tower of London. You can see her on the tour.
Christian Palmer was sent to Iraq to report on political conflict arising from the American presence and the process of creating democracy. There, he founded Baghdad's first men's hockey league. Later, he coached the Iraqi Olympic hockey team to its first gold medal.
Scott Phillips finally got into law school. He is still bartending, and he still makes a wicked Manhattan.
John Ronquillo became Senator John Blutarsky. He arranged to hold a "Rock Against Bush" concert on the White House lawn, and all the lawn's bushes, hedges and shrubbery were subsequently removed.
Eric Spratling rose quickly through the ranks of conservative columnists, becoming what many political analysts called "the right's answer to Michael Moore." His support from Republicans dwindled, however, as he continued to speak out against the robot takeover. In the year 2026, when the robots took over, he was summarily executed for excessive humanity. His last words were allegedly, "I KNEW IT!"
Kim Taylor became the first female head coach of the Green Bay Packers. She led the Pack to two consecutive Super Bowl victories under quarterback phenom Andrew Walter. She still loves cheese.
As for me, I went on to write a letter to Dave Barry, asking him to endow a scholarship for aspiring humor columnists. Then I made hundreds of thousands of dollars by inventing a tool that allows you to easily shotgun a can of beer. I used the money to produce an independent comedy about college that I thought was the funniest thing ever. It tanked at the Sundance Film Festival.
So now you know the future. You should feel good about it because you're the first person coming out of college who has ever had a clear idea of what the future might bring.
And I just shed a single tear. I'll do my best to hold back the rest of them, because I have to graduate with my image intact.
I'll take it easy. And I'll take it hard. You do the same.
Tim Agne is a journalism senior and wants to hit the bong. Reach him at tim.agne@asu.edu.
