I love bumper stickers. I really do. I get my daily dose of cheap entertainment from bad drivers expressing themselves through these simple pieces of plastic adhered to their vehicles.
Some are witty, some are political, but there is one kind I really hate: my kid is an honor student of blah, blah, blah school, look at me.
Often I find myself speeding up next to these drivers and trying to figure out what kind of dimwits are plastering this self-promoting crap on their minivans and SUVs.
I also give them a hardy thumbs-up when they see me. To them, this gesture probably means "good job raising those brilliant children of yours, they might just be responsible for finding the cure for cancer." But really my thumb means, "Here's something to sit and spin on."
Just like milk from the grocery store, I believe bumper stickers need to have an expiration date. Better yet, a self-destruct feature.
Think about this -- little Johnny and Susie were able to do all of those tough addition and subtraction problems correctly in school. (Of course, children in foreign countries are doing geometry and calculus at the same grade level, but I digress).
The teacher sent them home with a bumper sticker to let them know how brilliant they are. After a pat on the head, Johnny and Susie's parents proudly place the sticker on the family SUV.
A week later, little Johnny and Susie discover the joy of shooting up heroin through their eyeballs or between their toes. Wouldn't that be false assurance, when their parents are driving all over town with that "my child is the best" sticker slapped on their bumper?
Having said that, I would suggest that these honor student stickers have a maximum lifespan of two weeks. As soon as the sticker is removed from its wax paper backing, it slowly decomposes and turns itself completely black.
That way, little Johnny and Susie would have some real motivation to continue excelling in school. Maybe one day they would able to solve quadratic equations without calculator assistance.
Their parents would get new bumper stickers to assure their sons and daughters' educational progress, and our economy will get a little boost from the bumper sticker industry.
Yeah right. And maybe liberal arts graduates could finally get a job where we don't have to ask, "Would you like fries with that?"
Tian Tang is a graduate student. When he is not busy sucking down coffee and doing research to save the world, reach him at tiantang@mainex1.asu.edu.
Tian Tang is a graduate student. When he is not busy sucking down coffee and doing research to save the world, reach him at tiantang@mainex1.asu.edu.
