All right. I have decided to take full advantage of Senate Bill 1331. You know what I'm talking about. That bill which stipulates that a student must be offered an alternative assignment if they find the one being offered morally offensive.
I am going to start my own religion.
Effective immediately, this new religion, called the "New American University Unitarians of America" or NAUUA (pronounced naooo-aahhh!), is called to order.
In this religion, we shall worship the all mighty dollar. We shall pay (literally) homage to Fashion Square Mall, where we will also hold our congregational weekly meetings called "S.A.L.E.," or Salvation As Limited (by personal) Economy.
In addition to paying homage to fashion and stylishness in general, there are several proclamations as well. These are considered to be morally offensive when ignored or otherwise infringed upon:
We shall not read any offensive materials. These include all publications with the words "thou," "shan't," "Republican," "Democrat," "George," (unless specifically in reference to a little monkey), or anything in a language other than English.
We shall not partake in morally offensive examinations, especially by way of essay format or multiple-choice questions with more than two answer choices. Oral exams must also not be cumulative in nature.
We shall not partake in any math assignments with more than ten problems, and those problems must not exceed two steps to get to the answer.
Research papers are strictly prohibited. Writing of such papers will result in a penance of diet chocolate bars and one hour of "Matlock" per page written.
All laboratory works should also be abolished, as there is no one person on the planet who looks good in safety goggles.
All original thoughts generated outside of this religion are also prohibited, because thinking leads to a moral breakdown in practicality issues pertaining to that fourth pair of black shoes you HAVE to get.
Critical thinking exercises are hereby abolished, because, well, there is nothing in this world that is THAT critical. Geez.
Friday nights are for dancing at the Paragon Dance Studio. All girls are required to dance with A.J. for one dance. Any and all schoolwork that interferes with this scheduling is also against our religion, and prohibited.
All placement tests are deemed unnecessary; you know how smart you are and you don't need a stupid test to tell you so.
All alternative assignments must be graciously offered by offending instructor and can consist of shopping (for reading), calculating sale prices (for math), making effective sale signs (for art), Stiletto workouts (for gym), and Facebook or eBay time (for computers).
Sounds great, doesn't it? I can only imagine the lengths some students may go to if this silly little bill is passed.
If you are adverse to content of a political science class spiced up with some Oval Office Sex Scandals, you better not be watching CNN, man.
Angi Leighton can be found ordering jackets for members of her new religion, or by email at angela.leighton@asu.edu.
