Chandler Mall has a barbershop. I am not talking about the cool barbershop that is seen on MTV and in movies starring Ice Cube. I am talking about the nerdy barbershop that showcases men talking about tools and bowling scores.
The mere fact that a barbershop is located at a mall is so weird. Usually malls have a frilly hair salon where people pay good money for a trim and wait for two hours while reading Good Housekeeping. Chandler Mall decided to be rebellious and go with the barbershop where men pay $5 for a crew cut and wait for two hours while reading Popular Woodworking.
Astonished, I peered through the barbershop's window with a bag of chips in my hand, watching a man get a haircut. The man looked back at me.
He was rather burly with a red polo shirt tucked into a pair of pleated Dockers pants. They were not the stain-defender pants because there was a faded mustard stain on his right thigh. I imagined he accumulated the mustard stain during a corn dog dipping mishap at a baseball game. Nevertheless, we stared at each other for an awkward 10 minutes.
I started pondering about the situation that lay in front of me. What made this man decide to get a haircut at the mall? He might have driven in his gargantuan Chevrolet truck to the mall to get a trim and shave. Or maybe, feeling a tad grizzly, he had come in while shopping with his wife.
I thought the latter case merited more truth. If he actively decided to go to the mall barbershop, there was no way he could explain that action to his peanut-shell-throwing buddies.
I imagine him watching the sports game with his friends, yelling at the television because he can make a better coach than the current head coach of the team. Conversation arises amongst the group. One friend mentions that he bought "the lady" a therapeutic pillow from a Tony Little infomercial. Another friend brags about the 187 he bowled during the league championship game. Not to feel slighted, our burly friend talks about going to the mall to get a haircut at the mall barbershop.
Suddenly, he is an outcast and demoted to the "will-you-pick-up-the-Frito's-corn-chips-on-your-way-over-here" guy. He is shamed and tarnished until one of the group members is found asleep on the couch with Lifetime playing on the TV.
If these repercussions ring true, it is a little odd to have the sudden urge to get a haircut while at the mall.
However, the situation is plausible. I have found myself at Charlotte Russe with a female. The sensation that comes with being female-tized could drive me to get a haircut or my vision checked. If there were a dentist at the mall, I would consider a cleaning. Anything to get away.
For the sake of humanity, I assumed Mr. Mall Barbershop Man got a haircut to get out of his wife's constant nagging of "what do you think about this?"
After the barber brushed him off and he was on his way out, I approached the man and offered him my last corn chip.
The man was mortified at my presence. He walked quickly toward Auntie Anne's Pretzels and entered a vortex. I never saw him again.
Reach the reporter at ryan.lorenzo@asu.edu.
