Chuck Norris has reached legendary status over the past year.
The man who possesses the greatest beard has been given Herculean status with super human jokes. Many college students across the nation gleefully share the latest "Chuck Norris is God" joke at parties. Chuck Norris is Bill Brasky. Chuck Norris needs a team.
Why does Chuck Norris need a team when he could roundhouse kick his way out of any situation? Simply put, he needs a posse to surround him and remind him of his greatness. Also, we need to find more people to joke about. I would like to introduce the world to the three-man Chuck Norris team:
Tom Selleck is the obvious choice. He is brawny, edgy and chiseled. He possesses a hall of fame mustache and chest hair that can suffocate a small grizzly bear. He has the bad movie career and a cult-hit TV show like Norris.
Patrick Duffy sneaks on to the team as a wild car. His wavy salt and pepper hair and ripped body are reasons enough. Like Norris, he has done infomercials and has been on a cult-hit TV show. Do you think Step-By-Step is a blemish? Look no further than the episode when he and Cody beat up the biker dudes to save Dana from a potentially prickly situation.
David Arquette is the final member of the team. He has done the cult-hit movies like Eight Legged Freaks. He won the WCW Championship belt years ago. His mustache in Scream should have won an Oscar for Best Performance by a Mustache. Plus, every team needs the wild nutty guy. Oh, the folly.
There were some tough omissions for the team. Burt Reynolds' criteria are impressive. He's been in many bad movies, starred in an awkward TV show, and he has a world-class mustache. Unfortunately, every time I see the man law Miller Light commercials, I see plastic surgery done on his face. That diminishes the tough guy appeal. Norris would not put up with that. Norris does not need plastic surgery because as he ages every year, everyone around him ages five years.
Tony Danza has played Tony in a few movies and a TV show. Is that a character or Danza himself? No one knows. Such bad acting merits an honorable mention. However, can we count on Danza to roundhouse kick a pack of ninjas? No.
Sylvester Stallone was the toughest exclusion from the team. He was Rambo. With him on the team, rambo becomes a verb. Not only that, but he filmed Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot, an action movie with Estelle Getty as the female lead. A little more Rhinestone and a little less Rocky, and Stallone would be on Team Chuck Norris.
I assembled the Chuck Norris team. Now, I want you, the reader, to come up with the jokes. Next time I'm at a party, I want to hear how Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked Jesus for stealing his image, and then David Arquette came in for the pin to win the world championship belt.
Ryan Lorenzo is a journalism senior. To join the Chuck Norris Team, e-mail him at ryan.lorenzo@asu.edu.
