Dear Lisa,
I just moved in with my boyfriend and a couple of his friends. One of the guys we live with (I'll call him Roommate No. 1) smells bad and constantly has his hands down his pants. He hasn't pitched in on anything around the house. I swear to Jesus, I am going crazy. The apartment stinks when you walk down the hallway because to date, he has not done laundry. We moved in together in August! August! Last night I started crying. I told my boyfriend that it's so unfair that he didn't warn me about Roommate No. 1. I guess on the bright side Roomie No. 1 does make me laugh. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Losing It
Dear Losing It,
Always has his hand down his pants, huh? Man. What is it about guys, their packages, and their innate need to always be touching them, adjusting them, measuring them, etc.? I mean, you've got to imagine that this guy is high-fiving your boyfriend, opening the fridge and fondling the remote with these same germ-riddled hands.
OK. Here's what you do: Take a cue from Psych 101 and put negative reinforcement to good use. Next time you see his hand going fishing in his boxers, kick him in the family jewels.
He smells bad. Buy him some deodorant, tell him he smells, give him a brief deodorant tutorial and hope it sticks.
He hasn't done laundry for three months? That just makes the hand-down-the-pants thing even worse. You should probably just do his laundry for him. Take one for the team. The satisfaction of kicking him will still be with you at this point, making this pride-swallowing task easier to carry out.
It sounds like you may have forgotten your role as the woman of the house. The men bring home the bacon, the women clean up after them. You'll be doing your part to reinforce wholesome traditional American values and pick up where his mother left off. (Feminists, please refrain from sending me your hate mail. I am kidding. Kidding.)
As far as housework goes, although this would traditionally fall into your jurisdiction as a woman, you will probably be knee-deep in dirty clothes for quite some time.
Before you start in on his smelly rags, take a second to jot down a passive aggressive chore chart and post it to the fridge. Every once in a while make comments like, "Man this place is dirty! I feel like I just cleaned it, and it's dirty already! Dang! Boy, I wish someone would do something about it! I mean, I would but I've already done more than my fair share."
When he doesn't pick up on it, feel free to just lose it.
Wait. You said your boyfriend failed to warn you about this guy? Put that laundry detergent down right now. Chain your man to your washing machine. Kick Roomie No. 1 off the couch, hold his beer hostage until he finishes cleaning the entire abode, and take this time to read a book or catch up on "Project Runway."
Oh, and stop swearing to Jesus. It's just not nice.
Good luck!
- Lisa
If chaining your dirty roommates to a laundry machine sounds enjoyable, you might just have other questions that Lisa can help you answer. Contact her for advice at Lisa.Przystup@asu.edu. As always, we'll keep your name and contact info anonymous.
