Q: Dear Amy,
I'm engaged, and I recently went to Las Vegas. My friend hooked up with a guy she met, and they went back to our room. I stayed in the room of her hookup's friend. We didn't have sex, but we kissed and cuddled. My fiance works ridiculous hours, so I'm lonely. Right now, I can't come first in my fiance's life and I'm still in touch with "Vegas Guy." We have long talks about our ambitions, regrets, etc. At the same time, I am trying to reconnect with my fiance and I'm pretty much getting rebuffed. Am I ready for marriage?
A: What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas - or at least that's what the commercials say. Las Vegas is a seductive city, pulsing with fervent emotion, filled with chances to let loose and abundant in opportunities to be swept away by the thrills. It's a place that can be a lot of fun. Unfortunately, it's also a place notorious for people who end up doing things they regret.
You seem desperate to hang onto "Vegas Guy," seeking from him what's lacking in your relationship with your fiance. Since there's an absence of emotional intimacy with your fiance, you seek fulfillment elsewhere. However, emotional intimacy is intertwined with physical intimacy. If you pursue this, you'll likely find yourself with a craving for "Vegas Guy" that can only be satiated physically. Keeping your relationship platonic will be virtually impossible.
Another issue is that your fiance rarely has time for you. He isn't here to defend himself, but I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt because I want to make sure you realize something: Marriage won't fix this. Marriage is not a magic potion that will cure relationship ills. Traits you dislike in your fiance won't dissipate because you get married. In fact, they'll likely worsen, so make sure you both are in a healthy relationship before you marry.
As for whether or not you're ready for marriage, I think you already know the answer to that question. You just want me to answer it for you so that you have affirmation and a rationale when it's time to defend your decision. But only you know whom you truly love. If you decide to stay with your fiance, I urge you to seek premarital counseling. This is an unfortunate situation for everyone involved, but take it as a learning experience. And the next time you visit Las Vegas, stick with your gal pals.
- Amy McGowan
Have a question? Amy has the answer. E-mail her at: amy.mcgowan@asu.edu. SPM will keep your name and contact info confidential.
