Sunrise, sunset. Breathe in, breathe out. Obla-di, obla-da. Yep, la-la-la-la-life goes on and the ever-so-constant constants stay predictably constant. Whoop-dee-doo, does nature want a medal or something?
Probably, and at this time of the year, it deserves one. The mundane drag of everyday school life has this campus cornered as though it's a pack of Trekkies and we're an autographed cardboard cutout of Spock.
My suggested escape to you can be found easily on the web. In fact, it can even be added on right next to the State Press feed on your MyASU homepage. What could this remarkably convenient diversion be?
The "offbeat" news section of your favorite news source.
Hopefully you are now nodding in approval and saying "Ah yes, I concur so very much." But if you aren't, come on! What better way is there to feel better about yourself than to look down on people and thank the heavens that your world isn't as messed up and topsy-turvy as theirs? Isn't that why Kevin Federline still has a career? I feel that this must be true; nothing else makes sense.
And at the very least, isn't that why we all read the Police Beat first thing in the morning?
My theory is that yes, yes it is.
Because of this, it is imperative to your mental health to read up. For such a small commitment, you get such a big payoff (laughs, humbleness, and conversation starters like "Guess what the airport code for Sioux City, Iowa's airport is…SUX!")
I kid you not. In the course of five procrastinatory minutes, I found the following gems…
Magic carpet hide: An ongoing investigation has led to a 12-agent raid by FBI agents on magician David Copperfield's warehouse where he stores his trick-related supplies and memorabilia. Sadly for gossip-lovers, the details are about as hard to come by as an honest, competent politician. However, if I were to venture a guess, I'd assume that they're searching the annals of the magical warehouse for bin Laden. It seems like magic is the only unturned stone as to why he still hasn't been captured. If this doesn't work out, I'm putting my money on teleportation powers being the next theory.
Three-legged race: A 58-year-old Bedouin man from Israel and a 60-year-old one-legged Dubai man are currently engaged in a race to become the world's greatest family man ... and apparently the title of "Modern-day Wilt Chamberlain." The former has 67 children between eight wives and is currently seeking the hand of a ninth. The latter has 78 children from 12 wives and is hoping to crack the century mark in kids by 2015. Needless to say, that premise would be the greatest Everybody Loves Raymond episode of all time … or the greatest minivan commercial of all time. Or, of course, the greatest Viagra ad of all time.
The belittled mermaid: In the Michigan town of Benton Harbor, the plans for 30 life-size mermaid statues were halted by town officials who felt that the statues were too inappropriate for their town. I can't say I disagree though. I mean, "The Little Mermaid" was a pretty disgusting, offensive movie … that is, if you completely hate the ideas of true love, happiness, sea creatures singing a clearly-non-rehearsed tune about their utopian living environment, and hilarious crabs. Take note political science majors, stay away from Benton Harbor's city government. Yet, in their defense, as college students on a sexually active campus, we should not find crabs to be hilarious either.
If those stories don't convince you to check out the offbeats, I don't know what will … not including David Copperfield's incredible array of sorcery skills, of course.
Ben is looking forward to the likely-impending Federline libel suit. Look for it in your offbeat news section later this week, and then send money for legal counsel to: bberkley@asu.edu.
