After this is published, I expect to never get a cheesy line again.
I've become increasingly more concerned for young men who talk to girls without any kind of subtlety and ones who are too shy to even say a word.
I'm going to say this once and say it sternly, only because I care about you and your well-being, dear male reader.
Men, repeat after me. "Hi, my name is [insert name]."
Now, see that girl across the way? You think she's cute, huh? Go say that to her. Be sure to shake her hand, too. Let her know that she's your equal.
Don't tell her she's beautiful or that she smells nice. Don't try to be anyone but yourself.
Did you do that? Now make a little small talk, and maybe find something you have in common. OK, now ask her for her phone number. That's it. You're in.
Women are not complicated, despite popular belief. We really just want to be treated like human beings. We like a little bit of a chase. If you blurt out mindless compliments at the drop of a hat, even if you really mean them, there's no mystery to you. You're just another guy who thinks she's beautiful.
Speaking of mystery, if you were unfortunate enough to see VH1's train wreck of a show "The Pickup Artist," forget everything you learned from Mystery, the show's host. Don't take his advice if your life depends on it. And never, I repeat never, wear a fedora hat when talking to a woman. Ever.
The women the "students" picked up on that show were actress friends of Mystery or strippers, also known as the kind of women who would go home with any man who told them that they were worth anything.
But the girl on the other side of class is likely neither one of those things. If you have any other motive than to just get her into bed, do not take Mystery's advice. She probably has more depth than you realize. She might have a great body, but don't hold that against her, and please do not try that line. She really just wants a best friend before a boyfriend.
If you want anything to do with her, you'll take this advice: Call her, and ask her to hang out. Never mention that the arrangement is a date. When the time to hang out comes around, don't buy her flowers, candies or stuffed animals. Those things are too clichéd. Take her some place you would also go with your friends. Offer to pay for her, but if she objects, allow her to pay after a little friendly debate.
After that, drop her off at home. Tell her you had fun and that you should hang out again sometime soon.
At this point, she's wondering if you like her as more than a friend.
Repeat "hanging out" a couple times, and when you feel the moment is right, tell her you think she's beautiful before you get put in the friend zone. The friend zone will be obvious when she starts to dress and act more casual around you. Once you're there, there's no turning back, so beware.
Make sure to compliment her beyond the exterior. Tell her that you love her humor or how fun she is to be around. Don't hesitate to kiss her if you feel the time is right.
That's it, boys. This is the guide to getting a girl, no frills necessary. No more excuses or saying "nice guys finish last." Nice guys only finish last because they become too nice too soon.
Go out there and get her.
Oh, and if you don't have the guts to go talk to her, for God's sake, do not whistle at her.
Do not e-mail Christina Caldwell for more advice. It's all here. (But her editors require her to list her e-mail address anyway: cacaldwe@asu.edu).
