Attention Sun Devils, there is a horrible danger lurking around the corner. It sits in the darkness, staring out and waiting for its time to pounce and strike us down. It has no remorse and won’t stop until every last person is dead by its hands.
So, what is this menace that seems to be pure evil? Is it a terrorist or some radical dictator with a nuclear supply? No, this is much worse, this horseman of the apocalypse is … (bum, bum, bum) swine flu!
While this may seem like something only Porky Pig and Wilbur should worry about, if you have been watching the news this past week many people believe that this disease could pose a real threat. This disease, which began outside the U.S. and is slowly devastating its country of origin, has disease experts very worried. It comes seemingly out of nowhere with common flu symptoms and has been severe enough to cause deaths.
Government officials and analysts believe that quarantining may no longer be an option and that if we don’t act now it’s sure to bring about the end of humanity ... wait, sorry about interrupting this opinion piece, but doesn’t this sound familiar?
Ah yes, the reason that this tale seems familiar is because I enjoyed it better when it was called SARS or mad cow disease or bird flu or hobo fever. It seems to me that, every year or so, another one of these doomsday diseases pop up to scare the living bejesus out of everyone. What’s really funny is that they all seem to share the same m.o.
You’re going about your life and then all the sudden you wake up one morning to find that all media outlets are swarmed by some disease you’ve never heard of. Suddenly, Al Roker is telling you the best way to decontaminate your house pets and Brian Williams is letting you know that your death is imminent. So you do the same thing you always do in this situation: Wash your hands a little more, maybe wear the face mask you keep in the shed and shake hands a little less with those diplomats from Schlabonia.
In a few months’ time, after the government has spent millions of dollars on trying to find a cure for monkey pox or whatever it is, the disease is the butt of Jimmy Kimmel’s monologue and you’re wondering why you spent $300 on a preparedness kit filled with vitamin C. It just seems that we as a people love to freak out about our diseases.
Believe it or not, this isn’t even the first time that swine flu has been the target of our worry. Back in the 1970s, after a soldier died from a reported case of this shoat blight, America went stir crazy over the disease and demanded a vaccine. The problem is that the government rushed a vaccine out their doors that was soon blamed for the deaths of three senior citizens. So the cure ended up causing more hysteria than the disease itself.
But what causes us to go nut balls every time someone gets the sniffles? Is it a giant conspiracy by the pharmaceutical company or the CIA’s attempt to wipe out the lower class? Not likely, hippies. I think maybe it’s just humanity’s desire to be part of something bigger and dream of knowing that the apocalypse is nigh.
We all strive to live forever like the Highlander, so whenever something threatens this goal we do whatever we can to stop it, even if it’s extreme overkill.
So, next year when swine flu has gone the way of the T-rex and parachute pants, remember that that cough you have is mostly likely just a cold and not giraffe pneumonia.
Vaccinate Andrew at andrew.hadder@asu.edu.
