Americans love a lot of things. We love driving 4-ton trucks 70 mph while chatting on our cell phones. We love having a cold hot dog and a flat beer in the nosebleed seats on a summer afternoon. We love watching a giant gorilla take care of a kitten.
But above anything else, Americans love a good nemesis.
What’s the point of being good if there isn’t that counterbalance we know and love as evil? Whether it’s because of our “world’s sheriff” mentality or just our historical morality, America has always needed those who represent the antithesis of our ideals to show the rest of the world how cool we are. Without Lex Luthor to beat up, Superman would just be a show-off and without Redcoat-Nazi-commie-terrorists, America would just be … well, dull.
For the past decade, Americans have embraced terrorists in that role of common enemy, uniting as a whole to stop those that would use terror to achieve their goals. Recently, though, it seems that President Barack Obama has been trying to curb this country away from terrorism by tearing down many of the policies that united us against this still very present threat.
Within 24 hours of being in office, Obama vowed to close down the Guantanamo Bay detention center and release all 700-plus detainees so that they can go back to wherever suspected terrorists and their accomplices go (my bets on the IHOP). Last week, B.O. decided that terms used in the last presidency are so passe and decided to replace the term “War on Terror” with “Overseas Contingency Operation.” Which I guess would make the perpetrators of Sept. 11 “contingenciestists?”
Well, once Obama is done getting those silly “contingenciestists” and their acts of contingency out of our mind, he is going to need to pick a new hip group for us to unite behind, so I decided to give him a few suggestions:
• North Korea — the easy choice. They’re communists, they have a dictator, and we already have experience on their home court. With the recent long-range missile testing and nuclear threats, they are open game for a longstanding conflict.
• Germany/Russia/ Japan — the oldies, but goodies. Even though we have stable relations with these countries, it doesn’t hurt to mix it up every once in awhile just to show ’em who’s boss. Plus, we would save millions on the leftover propaganda the government has stored somewhere.
• France — the pushover. Renowned for their recent defeats, making France our nemesis would gives us a chance for a quick ego boost every time we were feeling down. I also really like the way “freedom fries” just rolls off the tongue.
• Cuba — to finish the job. Without the support of the USSR anymore, I say it’s about time that we stage Bay of Pigs 2: Revenge of the Pigs.
• Canada — the treacherous neighbor to the north. Canadians have gone on too long with their uber-polite, holier-than-thou routine and their dual-language system. As we speak, thousands of Mounties are lining up at the border just waiting for their chance to sneak across and force-feed us maple syrup with cured pork. What kind of people put mayo on their fries anyway?
• Hawaii. Can they really be trusted so far from the mainland? I don’t think so.
While these are just a few suggestions for our new national nemesis, let’s hope Obama doesn’t completely turn his back on those few contingencies that may be out there.
Andrew is perfecting his Canadian accent for any necessary spy missions. It’s aboot time you hosers e-mailed him, eh, at andrew.hadder@asu.edu.
