We've gone fish.
We've found Nemo.
We've provided sharks with an entire week of programming.
We've displayed the musical talents of those "Under the Sea" to millions of our children.
We've arrested and tried tons of cyber criminals who give them bad names.
We've given the World Series trophy to Marlins not once, but twice.
We've labeled people with an impressive propensity for billiards as "pool sharks."
We've constantly remind our single chums that there are plenty of fish in the sea.
Indeed, we've clearly shown, over and over again, a lot of love for fishes — and not just 'cause they're so delicious.
But, alas, some of the less sanity-inclined members of PETA are not satisfied with the numerous gestures of goodwill we have extended toward our water-bound friends. Instead, they feel like us commoners haven't done enough for gilled vertebrates lately.
That we have downgraded them to second-class citizens of our planet. That we have made them the bourgeoisie of the sea and the stink of the big drink.
That we have mislabeled them as the au fond of the pond and the obscene of the marine. That we have revoked their rightful title of being the terrific of the Pacific or the romantic of the Atlantic.
That we have stolen their place as the who's who of the blue and the toast of the coast.
Most of all, though, they seem to think we have insulted fish by calling them just that — "fish." Whoops. Silly us.
According to PETA's Web site, the word "fish" carries with it a negative connotation that the sea-dwellers are "slithery and slimy" creatures.
The site says "fish need to fire their PR guy—stat" and calls for a "serious image makeover."
And I'll bite — they have a somewhat valid point there. After all, I do think slithery and slimy when fish come to mind because, you know, they are slithery and slimy. However, PETA lost me fast — real fast.
What could keep me from falling hook, line and sinker for their re-branding effort? Well, PETA proposes we start calling fish "sea kittens." (Note: This is the point in the column where you take a Google break and I take a giggle break.)
Yeah, so, "sea kittens." Really, PETA?
Animal welfare is a very worthy and noble cause, and most of the organization's members do good work on that front. But, though the ethical treatment of animals is no joke, the rest of the people defending them are quite the quip.
From sensationalist to extremist, there seems to be no limit to the madness generated by PETA.
For another example, look no further than their current outrage at President Barack Obama's fly-swatting prowess. But, of course, the sea kitten situation is all the example one truly needs. As the campaign marches on toward its half-year point, the idea, positively nutso or not, is entirely flawed.
PETA submits this query on their sea kitten campaign site: "Would people think twice about ordering fish sticks if they were called sea kitten sticks?"
Yes, they would — in much the way that they would suddenly enjoy war if it was called "super awesome fluffy tickle time."
A name can only do so much. You can change the name all you want, but if the product remains the same, the perception will ultimately stick with it. Besides, acknowledging the truth about the outward appearance of fish doesn't mean we hate them.
They are what they are, and they will continue in much the same way. It's the circle of life — it moves us all.
Furthermore, if people actually did start to associate the cold-blooded, scaly creatures in question with the name "sea kitten," then what would become of the "ground kitten?"
Wouldn't that eventually damage the adorability cred of kittens that keeps them in hearts and off menus? It seems unfair and maybe even unethical to burden another living, breathing and unbelievably cute creature with the perception issues of another, less cute one.
Also, what would become of catfish?
Talk about an identity crisis. With this "sea kittens" stunt, PETA has surpassed lunacy and gone to absolute finsanity.
If they wished to help fish, they would focus their efforts on conservation and the prevention of overfishing.
That would be worth supporting. Continuing to push sea kittens, a moniker that will never catch, on the other hand? Not so much.
So, for those who wish to join me in calling fish ... well, fish ... come and find me. I'll be the guy attempting to clean the buckets worth of blood off of my person.
Reach Ben at bberkley@asu.edu
