No Sleepovers. No Cuddling. No Jealousy.
The rules seemed really simple, but I was fooling myself into thinking it was a good idea.
About eight months ago, a friend and I decided to try the “friends with benefits” technique. We created these rules that, for a while, really worked. I was convinced I had figured out the perfect relationship.
It wasn’t until he found someone he actually cared about and wanted to be with that it finally sunk in. I didn’t really mean anything to him. Although we were “using” each other, the emotional aspect of the relationship was there for me and I didn’t even realize it.
More than likely, if you think that it does work, you’re not the person who was hurt or developed feelings.
Dr. Mary-Lou Galician, an ASU professor who created the Sex, Love, and Romance in the Mass Media course told me, “Although in general more women than men appear to want committed relationships, members of both sexes in my classes report being hurt and dissatisfied with hookups. It’s hard not to become emotionally attached after a sexual encounter."
In 2007, Michigan State University conducted a survey of 125 students. Over half said that they were in or had been in a “friends with benefits” type relationship. They found that 1 in 4 of the couples ended the physical relationship and their friendship altogether. It makes you wonder, is it even worth ruining a good friendship?
Many people assume that casual sex and friends with benefits are the same thing, but they are in fact very different.
As friends you already have a deeper connection than someone you have casual sex with. You didn’t meet them last night at a bar; you have known them for a longer period of time and know a lot about them.
According to another study by the University of Minnesota, casual sex doesn’t cause emotional or psychological damage, which makes sense if you’re not looking for something serious.
However, what do cause stress and emotional damage are rules. When friends set rules for their FWB relationship, it forces them to hide the feelings, if they have them. No one likes rejection, so if they start to develop feelings they become more stressed when trying to hide how they really feel.
Casual sex is different because there aren’t rules telling you not to fall in love, so if it happens, it won’t feel like you’re breaking the rules.
The new movie “No Strings Attached” shows the relationship between two friends trying to keep a sexual relationship without being emotionally attached.
Of course, the movie points out the obvious truth: it really doesn’t work. The movie shows the typical Hollywood happy ending, which doesn’t happen often either.
According to the MSU study, only one-tenth of the friends blossomed into a romantic relationship.
“Sadly, recent films like 'No Strings Attached' and 'Love and Other Drugs' suggest that hooking up does end up in a committed relationship, which only encourages fantasizing that the hook-up is more than it is,” Dr. Galician said.
“No Strings Attached” isn’t the only movie focusing on the idea of hookup buddies. “Friends with Benefits,” the movie and the new NBC show, are both set to be released later this year. It will be interesting to see the impact these shows have on the dating world.
Friends with benefits can’t last forever. They are pretty much a relationship until one of you finds someone else.
Almost like a placeholder, when it ends it will feel like an actual breakup and you will lose more than just sex, but someone you care about too.
Contact Lindsey at Lindsey.Kupfer@asu.edu
