It seems Jamie Oliver and his hordes of low-blood pressured, celery-munching hippies have claimed another stronghold.
On Wednesday, Kraft Lunchables announced their new $20 million advertising campaign to promote the once-gloriously unhealthy brand’s partnership with Dole Food Company, according to Advertising Age.
That’s right, kids. Lunchables, those overly processed, plastic-like and unnaturally colored gifts from the heavens above, will now be tainted with fruit and other weird things you tend to just throw into your dog’s bowl when mom isn’t looking.
Who knew the first step toward a communist America would taste so much like dried apple slices?
Dole has announced a line of 36 different meal options under the “Lunchables with Fruit.” Now your neon-yellow chesse slices, cardboard crackers, and mystery-meat bologna circles can come with a boring orange cup.
How about grapes? Now they’re an uninvited guest to your nacho party. They probably pair something truly evil with the pizzas … like pineapple.
At some point, we must ask ourselves, “What are doing to America’s children?” Robbing them of what made our childhoods so bright and greasy, that’s what.
Take your mind on a journey way back to the 6th grade lunch hall. You reach deep into your brown paper bag to pull out the coveted Deep Dish Pepperoni Pizza Lunchable.
For the first time in your life you understand how much your mom truly cares about you. This, my friend, is the true love a parent, one that makes even James and Lily Potter look like Jon and Kate with magic tricks.
That Lunchable put you at the top of the cafeteria economy. It was MSG-flavored gold, like a crude oil stock during a Middle-Eastern conflict. With its flavorless crust, slimy “tomato sauce” and Play-Doh-like cheese, you were Warren Buffett. You were Gordon Gekko.
Now imagine this scenario with fruit infecting the mix. Your lunchroom worth would plummet as if it were hit with housing bubble burst or an oil spill.
At the end of the day, it seems Kraft is just throwing away that massive $20 million. The Dole Lunchable options still climb as high as 280 to 440 calories, according to Time Magazine. Just because there are nice, healthy-looking fruit graphics on the packaging, that doesn’t mean that Dole citrus cup won’t be loaded with sodium and high-fructose corn syrup.
Let’s keep Lunchables and unhealthy kids meals as a wholesome thing that’s pure, something that’s truly holy. Let’s preserve the same calorie-laden gifts we enjoyed as children for the future generation.
I don’t need cucumber slices with my Fritos nachos platter. I need some sort of processed ham with that beautiful dish.
If you’re a parent who truly cares about what your child eats, don’t pick the lazy option and pack them a lackluster Lunchable. Make them a healthy peanut butter and celery sandwich.
Pack their brown paper bag with fresh fruits and vegetables. Give them a yogurt or something with granola.
If you are going to make your child miserable during lunchtime, at least put some effort into it.
Reach David at dsydiong@asu.edu
