You may have noticed the latest changes on campus: the valet services by ASU’s bookstore, the construction all over campus and the redesigned campus directories. What these services lack in usefulness, our proposals will make up for through innovation never before seen on any campus.
To take full advantage of Manzanita Hall’s renovations, we offer a proposal that will kill two birds with one bulldozing stone. Rather than devote an obscene amount of money — money the University clearly doesn’t have — to solve ASU’s bug problem, we suggest ASU Housing occupy Manzanita’s vacant rooms with cockroaches.
As they take refuge in Manzanita’s brand new dormitories, we can begin to charge them tuition, consequently lowering our own tuition. The days of budgeting for a well-skilled exterminator are no more. The cockroaches, tucked away in sweet sanctuary, will no longer be the victims of the feet of ruthless female pedestrians, eager to remove five-inch heels after a night of heavy partying. It’s a move that is as compassionate as it is advantageous.
You may have noticed that ASU has begun replacing our familiar directories with a more current one — a sleeker, taller design with monolithic letters, vaguely urging students to “DISCOVER.”
We have a slicker plan. In order to combat Arizona’s sweltering heat, we recommend erecting tall monuments of President Crow in ice along every few yards on every mall on campus. The functions of said iceboxes will be two-fold. Before heading to class, students can rest their bodies entirely on these monuments and cool off on a hot July day. The freshmen will be easily identifiable, as they inevitably find their tongues attached to the monument’s chilly surface.
In order to make ASU a more hospitable environment to learning, we propose turning all four of ASU’s campuses into respective theme parks. Polytechnic: where a stiff Bill Nye robot will tip his hat to welcome every visitor after showing Poly’s diverse desert plant life — some you can touch, and some you shouldn’t.
West Campus: where the West was rediscovered. Full of haunted hayrides and saloons, West will bring out the cowboy in every man, woman and child.
Downtown Phoenix will be where you’ll go if you like theme parks, but just don’t like fun. There, you can observe hipsters in monochromatic clothes in their natural environment: “iBook” in hand, Starbucks in the other, and manners somewhere else.
Tempe will be the land of frat boys and frat girls, where everyone frats so hard, they bring the Situation and Snookie both to shame.
So welcome back, Sun Devils. Here’s to a new year of productivity, innovation and some pretty cool new things to try.
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