Although I am a very optimistic individual, I can hold a grudge as well as the Sun can hold the earth in orbit.
I will say that I actively try not to build grudges because I know how hard it is for me to get rid of them. As my mom would put it, it’s hard for me to forgive.
I am both gifted and cursed with a great memory. I remember in vivid detail all the hurts, angry moments and the pains that people in my life have caused. My mind and heart become a breeding ground sown to grow resentment for those people in my past.
But this is not the type of inner garden we should cultivate. Resentment is a weed — the longer you let it stay, the harder it is to pull out.
Resentment takes root and ruins the soil for the good things in life.
I have worked so hard over the past few years to clean up my inner garden and get to a point where I can forgive so that I can grow something other than resentment. As Mother Theresa said, “If we really want to love, we must learn to forgive.”
I want to find love, to build healthy relationships and to stay around a bit longer. Grudge-holding can be bad for your health. Psychology Today reported that feelings of resentment can be linked to high blood pressure that can “lead to stroke, kidney or heart failure, or even death.”
There’s also peace of mind and the power to dictate the relationship between yourself and those who have hurt you. When we hold on to grudges we allow those who have hurt us to maintain a space in our hearts and minds. Forgiveness is being able to let go of the hold others have over us.
Forgiveness is not about excusing or lessening the wrong that someone did to you. It is about ridding yourself of vengeful anger towards them. It is about letting go of negativity so you can move on and learn from the situation.
It is about becoming bigger than the thing that hurt you. Only when we learn to let go of the bad in our lives can we learn to hold on to the good.
Forgiving someone does not mean that you need to trust them again. It does not mean that you need them in your life again. Particularly for those who have been hurt very greatly by others, it may be in your best interest to not rebuild a relationship with the object of your grudge.
However, forgiveness does mean that you are choosing to be who you can be, instead of who you were when you were hurt.
I have not forgiven everyone in my life, but I have hope that someday I can.
As Ernest Hemingway wrote, “The world breaks everyone, and afterward, many are strong in the broken places.”
Sometimes people will break us, but from these cracks we can become strong.
Reach the columnist at Alexandria.tippings@asu.edu or follow her at Lexij41.
