Every time I go out, my friends will have to pull me away from some allegedly heated conversation I’m having with some stranger who isn’t telling me anything close to what I want to hear. Most of the time, it isn’t about drinks or dudes trying to pick me up.
Last weekend, for instance, after a discussion about unfair standards concerning behaviors of men and women, a friend’s boyfriend met my frank opposition to his outdated views of women by telling me that I “needed to evaluate (my) life,” because “more people would like me if (I) was nice.”
A few weekends before, I was pulled away from a conversation with a college freshman who told me he was a racist and didn’t see a problem with it.
I know my friends are only doing it to preserve the vibes of the night, but I’ve noticed others shushing me in sober situations as well. Whether it is out of discomfort or awkwardness, sometimes people would rather I just shut up about how I feel, if that feeling falls anywhere outside of happy.
My mother has had to do it several times. Before family dinners that take place while I’m in town, she begs me not to say anything to upset anyone.
“I know you feel strongly about some things and that’s fine, but please just keep your views to yourself,” she pleads. It is understood that often I do not act as the kind of “lady” she and others perhaps imagine I should be.
Hushed by zipped lips, this idealized nice “lady” in question isn’t assertive, and she isn’t oppositional. Her identity as a lady is measured by how quiet and sweet she can be and how wide she can smile.
She ain’t me.
I have watched too many women, myself included, sit pretty while awful jokes are made about them and their culture, or their worth attacked and belittled. So someone tell me how, as women, we should give and get respect without being labeled as mean?
Unapologetically, I will be honest about how someone is making me feel. If I need to be, I will be tough. Being tough doesn’t make me a bitch, unless I define myself as such, and being a “bitch” doesn’t make me any less of a woman.
Many who don’t know me — and maybe some who do — would argue that all of this is probably caused by me being an unpleasant person. But to me, appearing “pleasant” doesn’t hold a greater value over standing up for how I feel, what I believe and how I let others treat me.
Why does my voice have to be silenced for the sake of someone else’s comfort, and does that mean their comfort is more important than anything that could come out of my mouth?
I’m not arguing for my right to stomp around town breathing fire and for others to have to deal with it without a fleck of kindness from me. There is a strong need to examine intent and balance in these matters.
However, Nicki Minaj said it best in her MTV documentary “My Time Now.”
“When I am assertive, I’m a bitch. When a man is assertive, he’s a boss. ... No negative connotation behind bossed up. But lots of negative connotation about being a bitch.”
Her Royal Minaj-esty asked, “Is that wrong? For wanting more for myself? For wanting people to treat me with respect?”
That weekend at the bar, I told my friend’s boyfriend that I didn’t have to be nice if I didn’t want to be, and I especially don't have to be nice just because he said so. After all, if a guy was anything less than bubblegum sweet, there’d be nothing up for discussion.
Speaking my mind and standing up for myself and others in a confident way may make me a less attractive "other" kind of woman to some. But I won’t compromise my weight in the world at the hiss of a misinformed or restrictive mind.
I will continue to approach everything I do genuinely and with honesty. I’ll be kind but never walked on. Asserting my ability to be as angry or outspoken as many men can be, without question, is one of my most important means of self-determination.
Don’t ever let anyone make you feel smaller, because they think that the space you’ve created for yourself is too loud or too uncomfortable. Being good and truly kind to each other starts with mutual respect.
Let’s drink to that.
Reach the columnist at andrea.c.flores@asu.edu or follow her at @BOWCHICKAFLORES
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