Stacy Brinson: I have two stories I want to share.
The first starts in high school. It was my junior year and I was asked to prom. The guy who asked me was super friendly, and we were pretty good friends, but we had never had romantic feelings for each other. So, I said yes, thinking that we would just be going as friends and nothing more.
However, as time went on, it became very clear that he wanted to be more than just friends. He started making advances on me, started making references to us being a couple, tried holding my hand etc. and me, being an awkward high school student at the time, I didn't know how to respond to these advances very well. So I shrugged it off and tried making a joke out of all of it. When he would put his arm around me, I would laugh and shrug him off. He would go for my hand, and I would tuck my hands in my pockets. I didn't blatantly tell him to leave me alone, but I made it pretty clear that I did not want to be in a relationship.
I guess that I should have been more forthright, because from that point on he became a completely different person. It really flipped for the worse at my junior yearbook signing, where he took pictures of the responses I had written in every guy's yearbook, and sent it to my best friend, saying that he was disappointed in me for flirting with other guys when he had taken me out on a date to prom.
I would receive texts at three in the morning from him, saying that I owe him affection because he took me to prom. He began spreading rumors around the school that I was a horrible person — even telling guys to steer clear of me or else — and here I am thinking I don't owe you anything. It was quite the ordeal, and this nightmare lasted until my senior year of high school.
It reached its climax when he texted my then-boyfriend that he would make my boyfriend seriously regret it if my boyfriend didn't break up with me. Given he was now threatening me and my boyfriend, we took it to the school and had him kicked out of school for the final two weeks that I was in school because we didn't want him to do anything irrational.
Keep in mind, this was all a result of me not wanting to be his girlfriend after a prom date.
The second event, though not as dramatic nor as long, was still pretty scarring. During my freshman year of college, I had been asked on a date. It was a blind date, and so I didn't really know what to expect, and given my past experiences with dating, I had some trepidation.
So, this guy takes me on the date and right from the get-go, I tell him, "look, I am not a very affectionate person." I had specifically texted him, saying "look, I'm sure you're a nice guy, but I really am not a physical person — and so I don't want to kiss, hold hands — this is just a way to get to know each other. And he acknowledge that — so I thought. So we got on the date and right from the get-go, this guy holds my hand i'm floored. After all, I had specifically asked him before the date even started to respect my boundaries. But, I decided I wasn't going to put up a fight — after all, it's just hand holding so I can deal with that for a couple of hours.
However, as the night progresses, he starts trying to rub my thigh. And some people might not see that as a big issue but I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and physical boundaries are important to me. More than that, I had explicitly told him at the beginning of the date I didn't want any physical affection, and he had blatantly ignored my request. The most awkward moment of the night was when he leaned in and asked how good of a kisser I was. Honestly? Had he not been reading my texts from before?
I didn't know how to respond, so I responded in the only way I could to get him to not kiss me. I said that I was a horrible kisser, and that I had five guys break up with me just because of that, and as such, I wanted nothing to do with kissing. Unfortunately, that lie didn't deter him. When he started attempting to kiss me, I fortunately had the presence of mind to avoid him so that it was just on my cheek. But honestly, it was kind of nerve-racking because I had told this guy to respect me. When I finally scolded him and said, "hey — I asked beforehand that you respect my space and not be physical."
His response was, "Well, we're on a date aren't we? Don't I get some perks?"
I, personally, shut off from that moment on and just waited for the date to be over. Nothing got out of hand fortunately, and I have avoided him ever since.
But the sad thing is that my stories aren't that unique. At ASU, we had 29 sexual assaults cases on-campus in 2018, according to the ASU Annual Security and Fire Safety Report. This year, one of the sexual assault cases was a result of a blind date on a dating app. The alleged attacker didn't like that the girl didn't want to give herself away on the first date, and forced himself on her as a result, allegedly.
Just because you go on a date with someone does not mean they owe you anything. The only time you should be giving physical affection on a date is when you have the consent of whoever is involved. And for the record, just because someone is silent when you are making advances does not mean that they are consenting.
In my situations, both in high school and in college, I had a hard time speaking out because I was afraid I could get hurt by those I felt were sexually harassing me. According to the ABOR Student Code of Conduct, "'consent' in the context of sexual activity means informed and freely given words or actions that indicate a willingness to participate in mutually agreed upon sexual activity."
Consent may not be inferred from silence, passivity or lack of resistance, acceptance or provision of gifts, meals, drinks, or other items or previous consent to sexual activity.
Basically, just because you take someone out, doesn’t mean that person owes you physical affection. Honestly dates are meant for one thing: to get to know the person. If things work out and both of you find that you really enjoy one another’s company, then you go from there together in mutual understanding, but you should not be expecting anything even after the second or third date.
In the end, dates are simply to get to know another, and if you're not okay with simply getting to know someone, or if you can't accept the fact that dates are not a ticket for sex, then you should not be dating in the first place.
