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Satire: Can we stop talking about politics?

I'm just so tired of hearing about the millions of inequalities faced by people who aren't me — it's such a burden


Lots of students are sick of talking about politics. However, there are several propositions that will be on the ballot if you choose to vote. 

Election Day is Tuesday, and unlike all of these other so-called reporters, I'm not here to shove propaganda down your throat. Personally, I am sick of talking politics. Kari Lake this, voting rights that, blah, blah, blah. I'm kind of the bravest thing you can be politically nowadays — truly apolitical.

It's hard being the last true moderate out here. I just don't like to get involved with that sort of stuff. It's messy. I'm tired of finding out all of my closest friends are horrible bigots. So, I'm not going to ask anymore. I'd rather find out the old fashioned way — through a slur said at a cookout.

On Oct. 29, a federal judge refused to bar groups from intimidating people outside the voting booth. The following Tuesday, that same judge issued a restraining order against ballot watchers. Now they can't even hold terrifying weapons outside of the polls. 

In my opinion, that sort of takes the fun out of it. So, this election season, I've decided I won't be voting.

Everywhere I go I'm bombarded by proposition numbers and political ads, and I just can't keep track of this mumbo-jumbo anymore. It's not like any of it is important anyway. I can't even walk outside my dorm without running into canvassers going on about "preserving democracy," like they're doing me some big favor.

I already have enough numbers to keep track of. I reach adulthood, and all of a sudden I have to remember something called a "social security number." Now they're telling me I have to vote for more numbers? 

Take Proposition 309. This jumble of numbers would require dates of birth and voter identification for mail-in ballots and eliminate the two-document alternative to photo IDs for in-person voting. The last time I checked, none of this affected me. In fact, all of these propositions seem to target people who aren't me. It makes me feel left out. I'm just so tired of hearing about the millions of inequalities faced by people who aren't me — it's such a burden. 

Or Proposition 129, which would require all citizen-created ballot initiatives to be single-subject. Opponents are saying this is a sweeping attempt by Republicans to get tighter control over legislation. But I think it's a harmless effort to dilute voter power. What do I care if the fundamental way citizens protect their rights against legislators is changed on a whim? I, for one, trust our legislators. It's not like they could make any laws that would negatively affect me. 

Proposition 308, if passed, would give undocumented students in Arizona the opportunity to achieve higher education. It's a reversal of Proposition 300, which was passed in 2006. The proposal won't take anything away from U.S. citizens, won't increase taxes, and aids in long run economic growth by contributing to the workforce. But I'm going to vote no, because it doesn't apply to me.

The most egregious example of a so-called "proposition" is Proposition 211, which would give voters more information about the companies supporting candidates. I actually want politicians to be able to donate large sums of money in secret. I think it keeps things interesting. If I knew the largest contributing companies to the budding fascists in our political system, this whole politics thing would be way too easy.

I don't understand why these canvassers target me to begin with. I can't change our political landscape. As a white, middle-class, documented owner of a trust fund, I just don't feel like my vote matters anymore. Now, former President Barack Obama says democracy "may not survive" if election deniers like Kari Lake or Mark Finchem win. Well, democracy will just have to die without me.

Not getting involved in local politics is the best decision I've ever made. I mean, none of this matters. In fact, it matters so little that it took you only four paragraphs to learn about the most pressing issues on the ballot. So, this Tuesday, vote. And vote wisely. Or we have to continue to live in a world where this isn't really satire.

Edited by Sadie Buggle, Piper Hansen, Sophia Balasubramanian, Greta Forslund and Grace Copperthite.

Reach the columnist at and follow @fishstickgurl on Twitter.

Editor's note: The opinions presented in this column are the author's and do not imply any endorsement from The State Press or its editors.

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