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Satire: Welcome to the manosphere

SPM’s resident satirist attempts to understand the strict guidelines straight men set for themselves when trying to find a partner

manosphere header.jpg

Satire: Welcome to the manosphere

SPM’s resident satirist attempts to understand the strict guidelines straight men set for themselves when trying to find a partner

As a young nonbinary writer, I naturally spend quite a bit of time thinking about gender. Through my countless hours of pondering, I’ve discovered it’s clear that every gender reacts to this world in a different way. Women are still reeling from the many waves of feminism, gender-nonconforming individuals are being attacked almost everyday, and men have only just been told that everything they’ve ever done is wrong. I empathize with men, I swear. Pinky promise. I’m no misandrist, and I can understand the turmoil a man would face with this new knowledge. How is one expected to cope when their entire world comes crashing down?

But, empathy aside — what the hell is wrong with men?

Stripped of their core values — strength, machismo, emotional repression and heavily taking advantage of every single person in their lives — men are spiraling. They feel lost, with no way to interact with their world. Yet, instead of discovering the other ways in which they can find value, they’ve reduced themselves to their physical forms. They have wholeheartedly convinced themselves that their value lies in height, muscles, penis size and how similar they are to a wolf. Coping is one thing. Creating an entire wolf-based ranking system is another.

To be completely fair and balanced, these ideas aren’t entirely out of left field. A scientific study conducted by a group of psychologists and biologists found that women tend to value height in a partner more than men do. So before any men come beating down my door, I concede — sometimes, women are terrible too. Better yet, in a brave act of selflessness, I was in a long-term relationship with a man who was 5-foot-2. You’re all welcome.

While literally only one of these issues is valid, the rest are bananas. Pure bananas. Since the dawn of time, men have been obsessed with their own penises. One of their favorite pastimes is measuring it, sending photos of it unannounced, looking at other men’s penises, thinking about other men’s penises… Really, I’ve never seen a queerer thing in my life.

On absolutely no basis of truth, men are convinced that everyone else is thinking about their penises too. A real projection issue. In reality, nobody is thinking about your penis. Not a soul in this world is concerned about your penis. I promise. And I’m not just making this stuff up — I brought the cold hard facts. A study by Superdrug Online Doctor, in which 1,500 people were polled, found 92% of women think penis size is “not a deterrent.” This proves, once and for all, that you are the only person thinking about your penis. I repeat. It’s just you. You’re the insane person with a penis obsession, not me.

Except for right now. At this exact moment, I totally am thinking about your penis. Your penis specifically.

Canine men

Up until now, everything has simply been an appetizer. A first course. An amuse-bouche, if you will. This is the meat and potatoes. My very own pot pie. Get this, men have decided to become wolves. On all levels except physical, they are wolves now. Awoooooooo.

In animal ethology, it’s been long documented that wolves follow a hierarchical system within their packs: The stronger alphas lead, and the weaker betas follow. I imagine most of us have heard some version of this. Yet, from this scientific concept, men have achieved their greatest delusion yet. According to them, all men can be placed in this socio-sexual hierarchy, and their desirability is determined by it.

So, using real science about wolves (not people), men have invented their own pseudoscience. It’s like if cavemen found a dictionary and made a religion from it.

For some context, I’ll briefly explain this hierarchy in “manosphere” terms. According to The Power Moves, an alpha male (officially) is a man who is high rank, driven, dominant, confident, competent, Machiavellian, masculine and fit. Most of these traits are pretty reasonable — it makes sense that a powerful person would be driven and confident. My queries lie with the last three on this list. Masculine and fit are just weird, but Machiavellian? That’s a big leap. All that means is an alpha is good at scheming. According to the men — not me!!! — a man should be a con artist. This article writes itself, I swear.

On the other hand, the official traits of a beta male are not looking so good. An official “beta male” is apparently low rank, lazy, submissive, insecure, sloppy, naive, unmasculine and a junk eater?

If you’re a beta male, don’t be discouraged! Just dig a big hole and never come out. The alphas probably won’t find you.

Why men are insane

Because it’s pseudoscience, the internet’s most adored propaganda spewers are, predictably, all over this. Ben Shapiro, Jordan Peterson and Andrew Tate have all spoken on this exciting new tool for brainwashing. In one lovely video, Peterson tries to explain what being an alpha is about. And let me tell you — try is a really strong word.

Through over seven minutes of the loudest uncopyrighted music possible, Peterson gives a riveting speech about something. I can definitely get that much from it. The only notes I wrote down were as follows: time is coming to eat you, plumbers have saved more lives than doctors, and hippies. Something about hippies. I swear I tried to listen. Genuinely, without bias, serious face on, I went to listen to this speech. I left in tears.

That man makes no sense, and if you claim to understand him, you may be suffering from a severe head injury. Seek medical help immediately.

However, upon personal investigation, I agree. Everything these men have said is true. If you’re an alpha male, your life does matter on this Earth. To determine if you’re worthy, use my simple checklist below:

  • Do you love to kiss other men on the mouth?
  • Are your ankles always exposed?
  • Are you a part of a pyramid scheme?
  • Are you incapable of looking a woman in the eye?
  • Have you ever started an online class or paywalled podcast?

If you answered yes to any of the questions above, you might just be an alpha male!

INFP? Who cares? What really matters is whether you’re a sigma, alpha or worthless beta. Men, directionless and alone, fell right into the alt-right pipeline once again. The real kiddie pool of fascism. We all live in the Mojo Dojo Casa House, and alpha Kens rule this beta Barbie universe.

My running theory is that men have completely forgotten what being human feels like. It’s not entirely their fault, but they’re so far off this wagon right now. You know what a woman really wants? Not a dick. I swear to you, any of us will actually take any of you! Just not Nazis! Or homophobes, or anything else in this manosphere of yours. But apparently, that’s too hard for you!

So you obsess and obsess and obsess over things that have no meaning at all in the grand scheme of things. I feel for you guys: You’re lost and need direction. But pretending to be a pack of wolves is objectively the wrong direction. Every single man in the universe walked out at the 45-minute mark of the “Barbie” movie. Here’s a tip: Sit down and finish the movie for God’s sake. Maybe then you can stop thinking about your own penis so much.

Please snap out of this.



Edited by Camila Pedrosa, Savannah Dagupion and Madeline Nguyen.

This story is part of The Hot Issue, which was released on Oct. 4, 2023. See the entire publication here.

Editor's note: The opinions presented in this column are the author's and do not imply any endorsement from State Press Magazine or its editors.

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