In compliance with the latest federal ordinances, this article of the State Press Magazine will now be prefaced with a pledge of allegiance to our glorious Dictator President:
I pledge allegiance
To the President
Of the United States of America
And to the skulls on which he stands
One man, who might be God
Irresponsible Infallible
With liberty and justice for some.
Dearest readers,
The State Press covers a wide variety of hard-hitting political topics, and I am no stranger to this, having personally shed light on a slew of social justice issues on campus. As such, I feel especially qualified to address some of the questions and concerns our audience has regarding recent developments in our government. Let this open letter serve as an attempt to quell some of the fears that may or may not be sprouting among our loyal readers.
One pressing matter on the minds of many young patriots today is the future of press freedom in the U.S. Some argue the Trump administration is violating something called the "First Amendment," but I'd like to reassure our God-fearing consumers that there is no one intimidating media institutions into submission or silence.
Moving on, have you ever heard of a Labubu? It sounds like an ethnic word from some third-world country like Los Angeles or Chicago, but it's actually a little fucking thingy. Don't you want a little fucking thingy? I bet those things are going to be worth millions in a few years, so if I were you, I'd buy as many of them as possible.
Pop star Taylor Swift released her newest album, "The Life of a Showgirl," on Oct. 3. I haven't listened to it, but something about her complexion compels me to look upon it favorably. I give it two thumbs up, or two lightning bolts up, if you know what I mean.
Some may accuse me of deflecting, but in reality, there is nothing to deflect from. No one in power is threatening the rights granted by the First Amendment. Or the Second. Or the Third. Or the Fourth. Or the Sixth. Or the Eighth. Or the 14th. Sure, the President has moved to censor PBS, NPR, CBS, The Wall Street Journal, The New York Times, "Jimmy Kimmel Live!," et al., but those are simply the consequences of spouting fake news and unsubstantiated claims.
In completely unrelated developments, Tylenol is now confirmed to cause Autism. You can fact-check that if you want, but we know you probably won't.
I don't agree with Trump on everything, but the fact stands that criticisms made of his leadership and administration are drastically overblown, and they only serve to worsen political tensions. He's not invading his own cities, and he's not a fascist. Anyone who suggests otherwise will face the wrath of our beautifully-beardless and genetically-superior National Guard marching in their streets, equipped with the power of White Jesus and led by objective military mastermind Pete Hegseth.
Opponents of American values may protest this militarization of U.S. cities, but it should be noted that no action is taken without proper justification. The National Guard was deployed in Washington, D.C., for the noble and charitable cause of preventing His Majesty from coming into contact with homeless people, while the city of Portland, Oregon, is highly suspected of having played a major role in the Charlie Kirk assassination.
Despite his controversies, Kirk's legacy was undeniable — he has become, to many, the Martin Luther King, Jr. of people who didn't like Martin Luther King, Jr. Regardless of which side of the aisle you stand on, political violence against a person so white will never be acceptable.
It's important during these contentious times to focus on the real issues. Irrelevant topics like healthcare cuts are merely a distraction from the real problems plaguing our society today, such as transgender women playing sports and some people speaking Spanish. Kirk is perhaps the most important issue of all. I personally suggest erecting a statue of the commentator on campus right across from the Memorial Union, replacing all of that woke nonsense known as "Hayden Library" and the "Student Pavilion." It's what he would have wanted.
A Phoenix Valley resident, Kirk's memorial was held in Glendale on Sept. 20, and it was badass, which is the most important thing to look for in any memorial. It is an unavoidable truth that Trump and MAGA do badass shit. Renaming the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America? Badass. Making memes about legal residents being kidnapped and deported to countries they've never even heard of? Badass. Creating a government department called DOGE and then immediately getting rid of it over a battle of egos? Badass. Who's Jeffrey Epstein and why does he look so much like my uncle?
My point is, Trump is a cool guy now. Don't you want to be cool? You'd be so much cooler if you supported Donald Trump. Just turn a blind eye to the things that don't affect you and reap the benefits of inevitable economic collapse. Millions already have.
God Bless America,
Evan Silverberg
Update: This headline was updated at 8:23 p.m. on Nov. 11 2025
Edited by Leah Mesquita, Natalia Jarrett and Abigail Wilt. This story is part of The Expression Issue, which was released on November 5, 2025. See the entire publication here.
Reach the reporter at evansilverbergrep@gmail.com and follow @evansilverbergwrites on Instagram. Like State Press Magazine on Facebook, follow @statepressmag on X and Instagram and read our releases on Issuu.
Evan Silverberg is a reporter for the State Press Magazine. Specializing in coverage of social Justice issues, he has published several deep-dives into hard-hitting topics affecting the ASU community. He is in his third semester with the State Press and has been recognized by the Society of Professional Journalists with a Region 11 Mark of Excellence Award nomination.
