Starting my computer science studies in my freshman year, I only needed to worry about the semicolon at the end of each line of code.
With full honesty, computer science wasn't even a major I started out of passion, but rather from the fear of taking the wrong step. Everyone I grew up with joined college as a computer science major, so naturally, I did too.
In my first year, I felt fine; I was thrown in the same boat with other first-year students learning Java for the first time. However, as I progressed, so did the class difficulty (as expected).
I was used to receiving "A's" with no need to put in any extra effort. Yet, as I entered my first days of classes in my sophomore year, it seemed like the professors were speaking a language everyone but me could understand. I saw every other student in the room following along with ease, while I slowly spaced out, feeling like I didn't belong.
In the later semesters, I started participating more in the ASU community. I joined EPICS, enrolled in my first hackathon and joined The State Press. As I became more involved, I not only gained more knowledge but also met so many accomplished people.
It felt great to be in those people's presence and to continue to learn from them. But as they kept talking, I kept hearing more and more about internships, networking and the dreaded J-word (Job).
I feel as though I have fallen behind the curve. Many students my age have internships at top companies and experiences I can only dream of. I started looking through LinkedIn profiles of various students, each profile better than the last, and seemingly every one better than mine.
Every time the jobs in computer science are mentioned, there is really one big word that is spoken: oversaturated. And I think that characterization is not entirely inaccurate. With so many students majoring in the field, it makes sense that demand for new hires may not be what it once was.
Finding an internship feels like fighting a battle with no end, but the only casualty is your own sanity. Each application sparks an ember of hope, and each rejection letter leaves me a bit more burned out than the last.
It's pretty easy for me to understand where my fear comes from; in fact, it's what I consider all human fears to stem from: fear of the unknown. After graduation, I have no idea where I'll be or what I'll be doing.
The easiest thing to do is continue padding my resume. Right now, I am making sure that I am at least increasing the potential opportunities of where I could end up, even if I am not certain about what the future holds.
With all of the work I have been doing, I think I've almost forgotten my own personal interests. I can't figure out if what I've been doing has been out of passion or out of the desire to network and achieve something like those other students have. My reasoning is probably a mix of both, but I've let my fears and comparisons overtake my love of learning and creating.
It's easy to forget one simple fact: The rest of the students are also human. The same feeling of being too far behind or lost is something we all experience.
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Despite its universality, such principles are not something we proudly admit, so let me be the first. Engineering is difficult as is, but the feeling of fear is not something we deal with alone.
As a computer science student, I let myself get swept up in the competition, but the loneliness from treating every student as a competitor will leave you destroyed. The words, "You are not smart enough," will echo through my head every once in a while.
However, I've learned that ignoring the imposter syndrome is really the only way your accomplishments will matter. If you don't believe they matter, then no achievement can change that.
Each student may be experiencing the same feeling of being lost, and it's so easy for us to get caught up in our own worlds that we might not realize it. Internships, grades, networking and anything else we may worry about are all disciplines that are important, but they are also something achievable.
I know I spent a lot of time and words complaining about my major, but it is something that I have grown to love. For the stress and the struggles that have come with it, the things I've learned and the people I've met through it? I would never exchange it for anything.
Edited by Kate Gore, Senna James, Kat Michalak and Ellis Preston.
Reach the reporter at myerrag1@asu.edu.
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Meghana Yerragovula is a reporter for the state press. She is on her second semester writing as a reporter.
