I was startled this morning when I found anthrax — or at least a white powdery substance — on my kitchen counter in front of the half-empty coffeepot. I poured my coffee and held the cup to the edge of the counter, brushing the white powder into the cup. Whew, close call ... it was just non-dairy coffee creamer. Wait — unless anthrax creams coffee, too! Oh no.
Yesterday after my last class, I arrived at my car only to find it splattered with a few small, quarter-sized spots of a whitish-yellow grainy substance. Oh no. There's anthrax on my car. No wait, I had only parked under a tree ...unless bird crap carries anthrax!
So, I'm protecting myself. I've begun growing mold on bread (I learned how to do this in middle school), and I'm planning on eating a slice of it every day. (Being a broke college student I can't afford Cipro.)
I got an e-mail the day before from someone called "Miss Terrorist." The subject line read "You will definitely die," and the body of the message said, "Soon." But, no powder poofed out of the computer screen. I was a little disappointed.
Well, duh. Yeah, I'm going to die. Aren't we all? But I don't think we'll all be dying soon. So let's ease off on the paranoia, huh?
OK, OK, I admit, I'm a lousy gardener. My thumb's about as green as a lawn in south Phoenix in the summer. So, my mold-growing plan isn't working too well. I'm not eating moldy bread. Because I'm not scared. Are you? If we get scared, we'll run the risk of looking like complete morons like some others around the world.
Unity has gone farther than just supporting the United States in our time of need. It's evolved into united international fear and paranoia. And, to steal a quotation from my hero Martha Stewart " ... that's NOT a good thing." Hey, has someone sent her anthrax yet?
Recently in Slovakia, approximately 70,000 people received a free sample of "tampon maxi-pads" in the mail. Dozens of the people who received the sample called authorities to come out and inspect the items, believing the samples contained anthrax. None of them actually did.
In Berlin, a man received a package from the United States with the word "gift" on it. In German, gift translates into "poison." Biohazard teams were called in to inspect the package, which contained nothing more than a poster. It took them hours to realize that "gift" was written in English. There was no anthrax there either.
In Switzerland, a competition was delayed for more than an hour when one of the competitors opened a letter and white powder fell out of it. It turned out to be cocaine and not anthrax (Who the hell mails cocaine?).
In reality, most of us aren't important enough to be mailed anthrax. But, if we do get a letter with some in it, does that make us important?
So, now we're all supposed to wash our hands after we handle our mail. I didn't know you could wash off anthrax.
The chances of any of us getting anthrax are less than the chances of any of us getting free World Series tickets. More people will die today driving to work than from anthrax. More people will die from the flu than from anthrax.
So, wear your seatbelt and wash your hands before picking your nose. But don't call the authorities if some of Grandma's Goldbond spills out of her shoe. Just eat some moldy bread.
Sabrina Fladness is a journalism and political science senior. Reach her at ihatesabrinafladness@hotmail.com.
