The drunken driver from London's only got one arm!
Nope. It's not a new Bloodhound Gang song. It's the news out of London.
Reuters reported Monday that "a one-armed drunk driver clutching his mobile phone to his ear as he sped down a city street and jumped a red light has been fined and banned from driving for 18 months."
We assume "jumped" is Brit-speak for ran a red light. Which brings up an interesting American idiom: Why don't they just say "drove through a red light"? Wonder what they say in Australia? Perhaps Down Under this guy would have "hopped a red light."
No matter the complicated linguistics, Stuart MacNamara, the limb-challenged motorist in question, is probably wondering, like the Bloodhound Gang song, "Why's Everybody Always Pickin' On Me?"
First, he loses half of his right arm in a mysterious accident. Reuters didn't specify what kind. We hope it had nothing to do with cars, alcohol, cell phones or vaulting over red lights.
Now, police pull him over for doing what most motorists in Arizona think it is their God-given right to do (drive like an idiot while talking on the phone, eating, drinking, shaving, making out, etc.). Guess they're stricter about those things in the UK.
MacNamara was stopped by police in Swansea on Sunday and found to be "well over the legal alcohol limit." In other words, the guy had consumed enough alcohol to want to drunk dial someone (ex-girlfriend?) on his cell phone with his good arm while driving with his knees, toes or other less reliable appendages.
Whatever he was steering with, it wasn't enough. Although MacNamara has probably become pretty proficient in driving with one arm, the lack-of-a-limb-cell-phone-drunk combination was too much for his probably impeccable driving skills and he ignored a red light.
Although snowbirds in Arizona often emulate MacNamara's driving, his performance caused a fair stir for UK cops.
Superintendent Richard Lewis of the South Wales Police Force told Reuters that "it would be fair to say this is a pretty unusual case."
Hey, Lewis, we got a bunch of people on the freeways in the States that drive like they have only one arm which they're using to talk on their cell phones while holding a Budweiser between their toes and letting their 3-year-old steer the station wagon. They "jump" red lights, too.
Lewis proceeded to use MacNamara as the ultimate example of bad driving, making him sound like someone you'd see in the "Don'ts" part of the high school driver's ed. do's and don'ts film.
"Using a mobile phone while driving, driving over the limit and going through a red light are all concerns in their own right. We urge the public not to do any of these things in isolation let alone all together," Lewis said.
Motorists all over could take a lesson from MacNamara's ordeal. Driving, even while fully-limbed is a privilege, not a right. Cell phones, fast food, pets, laptop computers, personal grooming and alcohol are all things that should be kept out of the driver's seat to avoid harm to life or limbs.
While it's impressive that the guy still was able to keep his license after losing his arm (Where did he put his hand, 10 o'clock or 2?) he needs to use the next 18 months to remember what it means to have driving privileges and to drive safely.
That's something a lot of people could use some time to remember.
When unsafe drivers like MacNamara wonder why everybody's always pickin' on them, we have six words for them.
To quote the aforementioned band, "'Cause nobody likes you monkey boy."
