In November 2000, area voters decided that the Arizona Cardinals ought to have their own stadium. Ever since, Valley headlines have echoed the question on everyone's mind: Where do we put it?
Now at least eight Valley locations are duking it out to see who can bring home the pigskin.
The Arizona Republic reported yesterday that these sites include Glendale, Mesa, downtown Phoenix, and the middle of ASU's Karsten Golf Course.
Each site brings a new set of problems to the table. One downtown site, located off Seventh Street and Fillmore, is so close to hotels, restaurants, bus routes, and the future light rail that it simply makes too much sense. Besides, from most places in the valley, downtown Phoenix is too readily accessible.
The Mesa location solves this problem because its remoteness allows valley residents to do the one thing they truly love -- drive on freeways. Mesa sweetens the deal, the Republic says, by not having enough money to build a stadium.
The East Valley location at I-10 and Warner also has a great asset -- it is really, really close to the Chandler In-N-Out Burger. This would allow all twenty-eight Cardinals fans to enjoy a Double-Double before watching the Cardinals lose to, well, everyone.
Other proposed sites like Fort McDowell and Gila River are located on reservations. Building a stadium near a casino would result in disaster when fans realize that bingo and all-you-can-eat prime rib are more exciting than Cardinals football.
In three weeks, the Tourism and Sports Authority (not to be confused with the sporting goods store of a similar name) will try to make a decision on the final site for the new stadium. As a result, I will spend the next three weeks writing my proposals for stadium sites.
The easiest location would cause very few problems. The Cardinals could simply blow up A Mountain and build a stadium in its place, next to Sun Devil Stadium.
NFL aficionados could simply park where they park now, and the excitement and glamour of Mill Avenue would be a short walk away. Besides, it is only a matter of time before someone destroys A Mountain for commercial purposes.
I also propose that we build the stadium in Yuma, on the site of the burned down Jack in the Box. Yuma is only slightly farther than Glendale, and the ensuing affiliation with 99 cent Sourdough Jacks would surely benefit the team. Regular Jack in the Box visits would allow the Carnivore-Cardinals to land blimps on kick returners, and the cheerleaders would become eligible receivers.
The only problem with my Yuma proposal is that it would not attract those blessed auto tent sales that the stadium needs to survive.
More preferably, the Cardinals should build a floating stadium island in the middle of Tempe Town Lake. Residents, I'm sure, won't mind paying for it.
The Tempe Town Lake proposal solves the parking problems. Floating parking structures around the stadium would provide more than ample space. And floating tailgaters would replace local rowing crews.
A better location would be in Phoenix's largest suburb -- Los Angeles. This would create a new fan base in a city that still kicks itself for losing both the Rams and the Raiders.
Valley residents driving to L.A. would spur vast economic growth in highway-side dinosaur parks and authentic Native American souvenir shops complete with built-in Dairy Queens.
Best of all, networks could actually broadcast Cardinals home games on television in Phoenix, regardless of ticket sales. Then again, would any Phoenicians watch?
If all else fails, we should stick the Cardinals in UA's stadium. Ladies and gentlemen of the Sports Authority, give my proposals the same consideration you would give the Karsten Golf Course site proposal.
Do not accept the Seventh and Fillmore proposal. Do not let convenience and the availability of resources like food, lodging, and mass transit influence your decision.
Downtown schmowntown.
Tim Agne is a journalism sophomore. Reach him at tim.agne@asu.edu.
