His sacred scrolls would forbid it, but Dr. Zaius would do it anyway. He would pucker his chimp lips and give a wet smacker to ASU scientists.
"Our advancing domination owes you great thanks," he would say. "When we were struck down by nature's irony, you returned us to our true state — rulers of man."
Dr. Zaius, of course, isn't real. Too bad, because the prophetic, yellow-maned bumpkin would have made for some great conversations ("humans are worthless, Anna Nicole Smith proves it").
Unfortunately for us — humans, that is — our chimp friend from "Planet of the Apes," Dr. Zaius, has only existed on celluloid, a sad fact that vacuums the romance, tragedy and ape-discontent right out of ASU's find.
See, this fine institution's scientists have been monkeying around (bad pun, I know) with electrodes and monkey skulls. By way of sticking wiring inside live monkey craniums, they have allowed mankind's supposed next-of-kin to move a cursor around on a computer screen using only its brain's tiny signals. The find may very well give rise to state-of-the-art prosthetics, new breakthroughs in paralysis research and stellar new science-fiction what-ifs, such as this piece here.
But, before we laud ASU geeks about some ingenious new research, let's pause to ponder the humor in monkeys and computers. Moving cursors is one thing that won't last long. Before we know it the hot-wired monkeys will be surfing the digital tsunami, what should be classified as Hurricane Internet Porn.
Ultimately though, scientists plan to use the cursor-moving challenge as a basis for other tasks, such as moving robotic arms. Next thing you know, monkeys will be using their cyborg arms to fling their feces at us.
I joke here, but it's a noble accomplishment indeed, especially considering all the paralyzed people out there who want holes drilled in their heads so they can have recycled gorilla prosthetics for those tough sessions of stacking Buicks.
Mankind likes the research's possibilities. It makes us feel better about living in a world that can solve problems and build people up, albeit sometimes from junkyard scavenging and Radio Shack coupon clipping. Amputees can finally have a full range of movements from all the usually mandatory limbs, lazy people can have mind-controlled slave arms and Superman Christopher Reeves can be super again. Everyone's happy, right?
Yeah, especially Dr. Zaius, who's chuckling a mean chuckle to himself and waiting for his cue to lead an ape revolution where monkey arms and legs attack mankind with barrel o' vengeance.
Through the teachings of his ancestors, via the Sacred Scrolls, Dr. Zaius taught us that a barbaric race of man was put on Earth to serve monkey, which is why they are superior to us, which is why they wish to enslave us for all time.
Whether that's true or not, to Dr. Zaius and his monkey buds, ASU's research is a sign of the end of man's rule.
"I have foreseen it," the good doctor would smurm. "The scrolls were right all along."
Knowing how much the classic and original "Planet of the Apes" rocked, it would be fun to see that ape uprising. But serving monkey masters isn't my ideal form of eternity, so maybe ASU scientists should digitize another animal. One less threatening, maybe, like a college pigeon. Those things don't even move out of the way anymore when you bear down on them.
Monkey see, monkey do. If we give 'em our arms, we give 'em our hearts. Oh well.
"Get your cyborg prosthetics offa' me, you damned dirty apes."
Michael Clawson is a journalism junior. Reach him at michael.clawson@asu.edu.
