It's the first day of a new semester, and that means it's time for introductory rituals. Classes consist of getting syllabi, buying your teacher's books and the really ambitious professors even introduce themselves.
Keeping with that spirit, I must now borrow the words of the great Eddie Humphrey (a.k.a. Humpty Hump) when I say: "Just let me introduce myself!"
My name is Op. E., pronounced with an "umpty." The most important thing to know about me is that having a shamefully out-of-date knowledge of "bounce music" doesn't stop me from digging back into my historical archive. This archive, sadly, consists only of "Humpty Dance" and "I wanna be a Hulk-a-maniac!"
On your average day, you can turn to this page if you're looking for idiots to upset you. When I compiled the group of 13 columnists you see below, three determining factors were used: Do they unreasonably disagree with your views? Do they represent all that is wrong in this world? Are they dumber than a five-pound chub of beef?
I know what you're thinking: "Me chub of beef dumber than tooﾉ why I know writey?" Don't fret. If you're not pictured below you still have many opportunities to get your thoughts on the page.
Write a letter to the editor at joshua.deahl@asu.edu if you want to comment on the pages. For those of you who are a bit more long-winded, two guest columns are run each week, so submit away.
Finally, if you're photogenic, look for a reporter with a video camera out on Hayden Lawn once a week and try your hand at "Mall Rants," a weekly segment where we ask a question about current events to students at large. These are all the things that Hulk-a-maniacs do!
Last semester, we toyed around with a phone line that you could call to leave messages, but with the exception of one man who repeatedly called in to talk about Asian pickles and getting high, we got little reaction. We might be resurrecting it, but for now stop calling me about Sei-Chon pickles!
The only voice of sanity on this page comes on Thursdays in a feature called "Word from the Wise," where professors comment on something important.
The last thing to mention is the unsigned editorial, which happened to be at the center of some controversy last semester. The editorial represents the views of the editorial board and runs daily. Because we're bosses, we can curse more and say more idiotic things without fear of reprise, so look to the left- hand side (where the Dutchie is passedﾑthat's No. 3 in my pop reference archive) each day for that feature.
Familiarize yourself with the faces and personalities of the 13 people below. You must know your enemy if you are to hate him/her properly. So here they are:
The Columnists
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Tim Agne He's from: Fairview Heights, Ill. (St. Louis metro) How to pick him out of a crowd: He'll be the longhaired dude in the Blues jersey singing "Hot in Herre." Most people don't know about him: His favorite web site is www.seizureandy.com. No kidding! What he'll have to say: He plans to intellectually challenge his readers while simultaneously raising deep questions about the American dream and the social fabric of college life by making jokes about football, girls and beer. |
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Jamie Armani (at least until she has chosen her next identity theft victim). She's studying: Psychology, political science and the fine art of pulling all-nighters with the help of a super sugar buzz. Think Diet Pepsiﾉdoes that have sugar? She's from: Gypsies aren't FROM anywhere; they just are. How to pick her out of a crowd: She's the one holding hands with hippies, weirdos and other such freaks at every peace rally while singing "Imagine," which is not an ode to hallucinogens. Most people don't know about her: She has recurring nightmares involving Lord Voldemort and unicorns. Mommy! What she'll have to say: There needs to be more of a focus on important issues, like why there are chickens out there crossing roads to begin with. What ever happened to the good old days when they were kept in coops? |
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Shanna Bowman She's from: Yuma, Ariz. She's studying: Industrial Engineering with an English minor and an International Business certificate. How to pick her out of a crowd: She'll be wearing her "Charter member of the vast right-wing conspiracy" shirt. Most people don't know about her: She's a classically trained pianist and cellist, but rap is her favorite music. What she'll have to say: If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. |
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Rosie Cisneros She's studying: Journalism She's from: Phoenix, Ariz. How to pick her out of a crowd: You probably couldn't. Standing at a towering height of five feet, she is the ultimate "where's Waldo?" Most people don't know about her: She's a soap opera junkie. She hates to admit it, but she even watches Passions. What she'll have to say: I'll most likely rant about random campus life issues. |
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Christopher Fanning He's studying: Journalism. He's from: Tempe, Ariz. How to pick him out of a crowd: The pungent smell and verbal turds that spew from his mouth. Most people don't know about him: He has been banned from performing in Mesa for hitting the vice-mayor in the face with a package of Ramen. Also, he's not supposed to be writing for The State Press. He got the job through connections and hired muscle. What he'll have to say: He likes to write about stuff like blacklight puppet shows and Kelly Osbourne, but he'll probably have to write about politics and stuff. |
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Chris Kotterman He's studying: Political Science and journalism. He's from: Nantucket, where he met a man with many interesting stories, none of which can be retold at just this moment. How to pick him out of a crowd: If you're ever in a restroom and you spot a man cooking a pot of chili on the toilet, you have found him. Most people don't know about him: He likes it when people say, "Welcome back Kotterman! Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back!" Make use of this fact liberally. What he'll have to say: He'll say what those fat cats in Washington don't want you to hear. Specifically, he deals with the dietary content of both Whiskas and Iams. |
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Kym Levesque She's studying: Journalism. She's from: Mesa, Ariz. How to pick her out of a crowd: She won't smile until she's angry. Most people don't know about her: She is named after a Playboy centerfold. What she'll have to say: She will know a few days before you do. |
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Katie Petersen She's studying: English with a biology minor. She's from: Scottsdale, Ariz., "The World's Most Livable City," according to the official Chamber of Commerce signage directly in front of the cemetery on Rural and McKellips. How to pick her out of a crowd: A good start would be, "Hey, you're that stellar columnist in The State Press, right? Wow, I really loved the one you wrote about..." Most people don't know about her: She rides and shows her Arabian horse, Goodbye Affection, along with her sister in regional competitions and she is ridiculously left-handed. What she'll have to say: She is interested in miniature fruits and how they affect the European political climate, and she will explain this to you in lengthy run on sentences ...which she uses, a lot. |
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Scott Phillips He's studying: Justice Studies. He's from: Anchorage, Alaska. How to pick him out of a crowd: You can't. He is but one faceless drone in a sea of the masses...until he opens his mouth. What most people don't know about him: He has an inexplicable fear of commitment, but don't hold him to that. What he'll have to say: Pretty much whatever's on his mind at the moment. |
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Brian Searles He's studying: Justice Studies and history. He's from: Scottsdale, Ariz. How to pick him out of a crowd: He's got big blue eyes, not to be confused with old blue eyes (even though he's a ghost, it's still best not to piss off Sinatra). Most people don't know about himﾉ but the few who do, don't like him much either. What he'll have to say: He'll write on a variety of subjects, he hopes, with some substantial authority! |
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Ben Thelen He's from: The old school. He's studying: As little as possible, which turns out to be not at all. But he enjoys talking philosophy. How to pick him out of a crowd: He basis his "look" on a certain Muppet character. Look for a fuzzie guy saying: Waka-waka-waka. Most people don't know about him: An old lady is currently spreading rumors that he stole $20 from her at his Whole Foods checkout line. What he'll have to say: Mostly he'll say snarky things in a snarky tone. He's not sure what snarky means, but he's pretty sure he's it. |
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Darren Todd He's studying: English Literature and History. He's from: The tiny town of Greeneville, Tenn. How to pick him out of a crowd: He'll be the guy asking for directions. He could get lost anywhere, so if you see that guy and he looks like the photo here, throw him a bone. Most people don't know about him: He can juggle and play hacky-sack, or even juggle hacky-sacks. What he'll have to say: He'll present some fresh approaches in his column, not seeming preachy, but entertaining and thought provoking. He loves responding to comments. |
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Adam Cory Wallin He's studying: Journalism. He's from: Tucson, Ariz. How to pick him out of a crowd: He looks like a Norwegian underwear model fresh off the boat. Most people don't know about him: I am the only person in the world who listens to Tool, Enya, Andrew W. K. and the Mediaeval Baebes in the same week. What he'll have to say: Voting Republican will be the last mistake you ever make. |
