In keeping with his plans for world domination through bio- and nanotechnology, ASU President Michael Crow has moved his family, CIA secrets, maniacal tendencies and outright evilness into the Biodome just south of Tucson.
Crow will be sharing the 15,000-acre living lab with Pauly Shore, the former comedian who has refused to leave the Biodome since his career tanked about seven years ago.
"Hey, bud-dee," Shore said to Crow as the insane college president frothed at the mouth. "Dude," Shore said, "I think you got some serious moisturage happenin' from your mouth, bud-dee."
Since becoming president of ASU more than a year ago, Crow has drastically changed the face of the fifth-largest university in the country, turning a college community seriously devoid of any cultural influence into one totally devoid of any cultural influence.
"First, I will break their spirit for this ... this ... rock 'n' roll," Crow said to himself when he was first appointed to his supreme position in April 2002. But then he realized he was simply acting out his favorite scene from the film Footloose, in which John Lithgow plays a psycho priest with a vendetta against teen-agers. "Oh, right," he said.
"Well, then, I will starve the community of all plays, musical performances and art exhibits, and take the hundreds of dollars that ASU makes from these so-called arts," he rambled, "and use them for my master plan of world dominance through bio- and nanotechnology!!! Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!"
Crow has since mellowed a bit, although his friends say he's still that "fuckin' crazy dude we all loved back at Columbia," New York City cab driver Kevin DiMora said in an interview Monday.
"Dude, you're the kind of guy the Weasel's been waitin' for, bud-dee," Shore told Crow as he unpacked his magneto-ray. "Dude - buddy - you and I are the kings and Biodome is our lair. Wooooooooooo!"
Crow then ripped off his shirt, did a keg stand, and invited the crew from "MTV Spring Break 1992" over to the Biodome as a thank-you gift to Shore.
"Fuckin' A, Pauly," Crow said. "This is the most kick-assinest time I've ever had."
And they drank themselves into oblivion.
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