As I was leaving my third impeachment hearing the other day, I was suddenly side-wiped by a bus and knocked unconscious. Everything was black, and I could hear nothing but the cheers of nearby democrats who have read my columns all year.
Now, don't you worry - I am just fine. But I had the strangest dream! Rush Limbaugh and Ralph Nader were fighting to the death - and Nader won. When I woke up, I had an epiphany! What have I been thinking?!
All the slogans of the past suddenly make perfect sense to me. "Make love not war!" "Books not bombs!" "No blood for oil!"
How could I have stooped to that level of un-human conservativism? I realize now that I am a womyn, and I am oppressed. The evil males of this world have done all they can to keep me down, but I am on to their scheme.
The conservative movement was only too happy to have me as there little wifey in their midst, but I realize now that they were just male supremacists who wanted to dominate my mind to exploit for their capitalistic gains. They can't keep me down now!
And what's the deal with this tax cut proposed by that fictitious President of ours? Doesn't he realize that he is just creating a program to subsidize the rich and steal from our children's future? All he cares about is rich white men and greedy corporations. Give me a Gentle Strength co-op any day.
Oh, and I can barely stand to walk outside the pollution has gotten to be so bad. I've put my car up for sale and have decided that walking is the only way for me. That is, unless I can get my hands on a really cool seventies VW bug, of course.
I can't wait to paint a peace sign on the door and plaster the bumper with my new liberal stickers. I want to be a flashing billboard for the progressive cause!
I'm taking drastic steps to remedy my appearance to convey this shift in ideology. Tomorrow, I'm putting my hair in dreadlocks, and I spent a good four hours yesterday at the good will and picked up a whole new wardrobe of the proletariat. I am so glad I no longer have to shave and bathe; I feel so liberated.
I can only now make this fervent cry for peace in the Middle East. We need to stop this colonization and oppression of cultures different then ours. It is obvious the Iraqi people loved their dictator, or, at the very least, found him tolerable. Why did we have to go disrupt their happy home; was it just to put a Starbucks on every corner?
Speaking of Starbucks, they are really good, but not quite as good as the Muse Coffeeshop. I went there the other day for my first meeting with the Communist party here in Phoenix. Let me just give a shout out to my fellow comrades; only through collectivism and beat poetry will the world come to a revolution!
If you too feel for the down trodden and oppressed, I am organizing a protest on Hayden Lawn soon. Come beat a drum with me and chant for a solution.
Well, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to buy a copy of the Communist Manifesto, or maybe something by Chomsky. Good riddance to my slave name, that horrible western symbol of patriarchal oppression; I am now Rainbow!
Shanna Bowman is a rural farming senior.
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