The Son of God was "totally stoked" Thursday night, as he packed his bags in preparation for his return to earth. Contrary to common doctrines, Christ said he is coming back down not to save a chosen race of Christians, but to start up his own fraternity, Gamma Omega Delta or G.O.D. at Arizona State University.
"Dude it gets kind of boring up here. It hasn't been the same since Lazarus gave up the drink," he said as he tossed his hair over his shoulder like an herbal essence commercial and stuffed a pair of hemp sandals into his Kipling suitcase. "Starting a fraternity will not only help me get chicks, but I have been an only child for so long, it will be nice to have some brothas."
ASU officials have high hopes for the new fraternity
"Every since Brian Buck got kicked out, it's been pretty lame around here," said ASU Vice President Christine Wilkinson. "J.C. has an extremely reputable image in academic circles. We hope to draw down some federal dollars as well as keep the ultimate party image going."
Jesus' father, God, said he thinks starting the fraternity will be a good thing for his one and only son.
"This past century has been kind of rough on him. He spent a couple of decades sitting around the kingdom drinking Mountain Dew and watching 'Ship Mates' all day," said God in a cell phone interview. "When Miramax sent us an advanced copy of 'Old School' everything changed."
God went on to say that the comedy starring Will Ferrell and Vince Vaughn was not only hilarious but also an inspiration to Jesus.
"We especially liked the part where Will Ferrell sang 'Dust in the Wind," God added. "As eternal beings we could really relate."
Jesus, who also watched other classic frat movies like Animal House, PCU and Revenge of the Nerds, said he will be a good candidate for fraternity president because he has experience from setting up a similar group about 2000 years ago.
"The twelve apostles were the O.G. fraternity," he said. "It's not printed in The Bible anywhere but we had the coolest toga parties ever. Mark and John made up a pretty tight handshake."
ASU business sophomore Dave Anderson is one of the co-founders of the fraternity. He said he got his calling after taking a "monster bong load."
"It was awesome," he said. " I totally felt like I traveled back to the Bible days and I was at that one wedding and instead of Jesus making water out of wine he made a giant keg."
Jesus and Dave have been communicating through e-mail ever since Dave's hallucination, making a lot of plans for G.O.D. They wouldn't give specifics on potential hazing activities, but they did say it would involve Schlitz Beer and a certain "Town Lake."
"I know that I am the only one who is technically supposed to have the power to walk across water," Jesus said. "But I think it would be hella' funny to see everyone else try."
Although Jesus has acted alone in the past, he says that he is considering bringing a formal apostle with him to earth.
"Things between Judas and me have been getting a lot better lately," he said. "I figure he needs a break from the ninth circle, and I need a John Belushi-type character in my new frat. Dude, Sigma Nu ain't gonna have shit on G.O.D."
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