In the most predictable 'Average Joe' episode ever, NBC's semiprecious gem sank below what this week could have been.
First, take the three homely Joes: Zach, the insecure, overgrown jock, John, a replication of Tom Green and Adam, the stuffy-nosed bystander. Next, add the three hunks into the mix and it's a 'There's Something About Mary'-ish collision of hearts and hotties.
While the Joes stake out Malena's hand, saying "she's so my type" in some manner, it's obvious she fancies the three new hunks. Naturally, she first selects the intriguing Alex, who has a very American accent for a Venezuelan. He's nothing other than Fabio, version 2.0. Next it's Jason, with his GQ façade and astounding symmetry.
Strangely, Malena rejects the striking Alex. It's not obvious, but it's a rapid dismissal once he mentions he held a stakeout outside his cheating girlfriend's house for six hours. The dull Jason, on the other hand, took a pacifist approach to Malena. If I were blind and couldn't see what was going on, I could be convinced she was talking to a wall.
Still, she has the right to explore, as Adam is the only Joe not blanketing himself in fakeness. If reality TV has a set of ethics, tonight was the night they followed them. The insecure John bases his conception of love on his feelings for a girl after a few weeks behind the camera. He breaks new ground for pathetic when he says, "I'm holding onto what we had two weeks ago."
Predictably, the untamable John and Alex are sardonically rejected.
While 'Average Joe's climax was predictable, the choices from behind the camera provided the real entertainment. The hunk-and-Malena dates called for two crew adjustments: turn down the microphone, then film the couple together in positions in a prelude to soft-core pornography.
Jason and Malena sink into a Venetian gondola. Floating adjacent to a Calif. field, the camera captures the shimmer of the water off the handsome couple's faces. If nothing else, it resembles something out of Greek literature, as the two have the semblance of deities.
The highlight of Jason and Malena's abridged dialogue was when Malena indirectly asked Jason if he was gay. She eked out the question, asking him if he liked people other than girls. Then she tried to address men's appearance as they insinuate sexuality. Applying this to Jason, Malena makes a stumbling attempt to sound socially conscious. Overall, the camera's don't care about what Jason says but rather how many ways they can capture the sweater complementing his shoulders.
The forecast for Episode 5: mostly cheesy with a slight chance of sidesplitting lines and a scant chance of intriguing drama.
Chris Kark is a reporter for the Web Devil. Reach him at christopher.kark@asu.edu.
