On campus, there are many possible places to get your snack on. When hunger begins to carve its initials into the lining of your stomach, it's comforting to know that food is almost always right around the corner.
But for the resident birds on campus, most food is found where messy college kids have been. Students' crumbs become birds' feasts. That is, unless you are the enormous mutant crow that has been stalking me on campus ever since I started binging at Chick-Fil-A last semester.
Oh, I kid you not. This is no fish tale. The crow stands over 16 inches tall and desires only one thing: Chick-fil-A chicken sandwiches.
I have had the displeasure of his company on two distinct occasions. Both occurrences took place outside the Languages and Literatures building, right before my Romantic Literature class. Both times, I was trying to satisfy my taste buds with the sweet, juicy goodness of those infamous sandwiches.
Now as you are reading this, I know you must be skeptical about how I could be sure that I had come across the same exact bird. It's a common understanding that birds are everywhere, and the chances of coming into contact with the same feathered friend are astronomical. This crow is no ordinary crow.
During my first encounter with him, when I wasn't running for safety indoors, I noticed something peculiar about his legs. One of them was curled under, and he balanced himself on a skinny knob similar in structure to a kneecap. I felt sorry for the bird, so I gave him a name. The best I could muster in that moment was, "Gimpy." But my sympathy soon turned to anxiety when I saw how close Gimpy was hobbling towards my meal and me.
I attempted to shoo him away, but the red gleam in his eyes remained fixed on my chicken sandwich. So, I picked up my bag and walked to the bench 10 feet away, hoping Gimpy would leave me alone. No such luck. He flew from my previous spot to my side, just a foot away. Suffice to say, I was seriously freaked out at that point. Again, I packed up my stuff and headed in to class, sure that I had seen the last of Gimpy the Mutant Crow.
To my dismay, he and I would meet again two weeks later in the very same spot outside the Languages and Literatures Building. I was shocked. My mind couldn't believe that I was being chased by a giant crow on campus. I mean, this crow had to have been looking for me. He had to have been watching for me in the usual places, waiting to make his move! What kind of person can admit to something like that? What did I do to deserve it? Well, after fleeing inside for my English class, I came to a realization. Chick-fil-A is a luxury not meant for outdoor consumption.
The scent of breaded chicken must remain indoors. My livelihood depends on it. So, heed my advice you students and faculty of ASU. Heed my advice well. Eat your chicken inside. Even on the most gorgeous of days. For amongst the leaves, perched on the tangled branch of a tall tree at ASU is the mutant crow Gimpy, and he will find you.
Jimmy Shoffman is a freelance columnist for the Web Devil. Reach him at james.shoffman@asu.edu.
