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Shoffman Says: Fowl play suspected in crow's untimely death


Gimpy, ASU's most notorious mutant crow, passed away Monday morning in what appeared to be a Valley Metro bus accident.

The death was a surprising conclusion to my first-ever article for the Web Devil.

Although I cannot personally vouch for Valley Metro's part in Gimpy's demise, it should be noted that the tread marks running across Gimpy's limp body matched the wide wheels typical of the Flash shuttle buses.

The incident occurred near the bus stop on the western side of Packard Drive near Sixth Street.

For those who are not familiar with Gimpy, he was a slightly disfigured crow of immense proportions. While perched, he measured nearly 16 inches in height. He was easily recognizable due to his telltale-crippled leg, which set him apart from the enormous bird population on campus.

But perhaps his true claim to fame though was his voracious appetite.

With a strong desire for the lightly breaded chicken sandwiches from Chick-fil-A, this campus crow tormented ASU students during lunchtime for countless semesters.

In two distinct meetings with Gimpy last semester, I was forced to flee indoors with my Chick-fil-A bag in hand to avoid his hungry talons.

In a fitting salute to Gimpy's taste for Chick-fil-A, I sought comment on this crow's untimely death.

I spoke with Haroon Qureshi, director of operations for Sodexho Campus Services and a spokesperson for Chick-fil-A at ASU.

"We really think the cows did it," Qureshi said.

He was referring to one of Chick-fil-A's advertising campaigns, involving several clever cows that focus their efforts into getting people to eat more chicken and less beef.

I will never forget Gimpy. In those moments where I feared for my life and my lunch, he and I became archenemies.

From that fateful day on, I watched out for Gimpy with a careful eye to avoid more frightening encounters.

He was my nemesis, and he has now become a legend on campus. After my first article turned the spotlight onto Gimpy's existence, one of my friends said she had seen Gimpy on campus in February.

Gimpy was a true anti-hero on campus. His villainous nature made him famous, but his love of Chick-fil-A made him infamous.

He will truly be missed during the lunchtime hours on campus.

Gimpy Crow is survived by his wife Sheryl and three sons, Russell, Cameron and Michael. Funeral services were scheduled for Friday but have been cancelled due to an unannounced disposal of Gimpy's body on Tuesday.

Jimmy Shoffman hopes that crow heaven is walled with chicken sandwiches. Reach him at james.shoffman@asu.edu.


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