Ah, yes. Spring is here, as expressed with the telltale crack of the baseball bat and the sight of annihilated March Madness brackets rolling through the streets like so many tumbleweeds.
This is a great time of year. Birds are singing and people are generally happier as their daily wardrobes are peeled back to reveal more and more flesh.
Speaking of flesh, it was observed that our former Undergraduate Student Government President Yaser Alamoodi, who previously admonished our illustrious Playboy billing, stopped in mid-conversation to ogle (he really did ogle, there was drool involved) a barely clad undergrad who obviously had her "I'm-going-to-the-pool" costume on. The costume consisted of a couple of band-aids and some extra dental floss, along with those giant sunglasses, which covered more of her body than her collective outfit. Nice.
As the springtime progresses from nice weather to the bowels of hell in two day's time, the correlation between temperatures going up and the shrinking area of clothing coverage is apparent. But if you are going to dress like you are at a beach when you're actually at school, expect to be ogled like a piece of meat.
I suspect that if you are the type of person who feels the need to leave nothing to the imagination, you already know this and welcome the attention.
While I am not condoning either side of this behavior (the meat ogling especially), the fact remains that this does happen, and is rewarded by the inane few who choose to perpetuate it by means of conversations that start out like, "I will wear whatever I want. This dental floss is so comfy! Could you hand me another band-aid? This one is coming off. Never mind ... I have some gum!"
However, there are a few people out there who are absolutely oblivious to the fact that their muffin tops are hanging out, along with their whale tales and tramp stamps. There are a few who say, "I don't care what you think of my size-16 body in these size-10 shorts!" and truly mean it. I say, good for you. It takes a big woman to truly not care, and a bigger woman to admit she lacks the common sense to buy clothing in her correct size.
As I said, though, this is almost never the case. We girls are in control and we know it.
Take the case of our young friends at the beginning of this article. While I am quite certain that the girl in our story knew exactly what she was doing and the effect of her bikini-top and mini-skirt combo, our young boy did not. He fell victim to a natural, biological effect I'll call the "I'd hit that" syndrome -- the hallmark of said syndrome being the stopping in mid-conversation to think, "Yeah, I'd hit that."
There are other signs as well. Males in this situation typically need prompting back to reality after the scantily clad female in question saunters by. What are they supposed to do then?
You stay classy, She-Devils.
Angi Leighton can be found passing out Band-Aids and gum to passing girls in need or at angela.leighton@asu.edu.
