Religious extremism is a tricky subject.
While I only pretend that I know what I'm talking about, especially if you ask me after several rounds of communion wine, I'm usually the first to agree that no one has all the answers. But I do know how sad it is when one sect turns violent toward another.
Take, for example, the recent incident involving militant Pabst Blue Ribbon terrorist action against those worshipping the divine powers of Miller High Life, the Champagne of Beers.
Recently, though, I was informed that the conservative group Focus on the Family is holding a rally tomorrow at Phoenix's Bethany Bible Church. "Love Won Out," a quarterly conference that staunchly promotes heterosexuality as the only sexuality, will feature speakers and events designed to help the audience "experience the type of love that draws men and women affected by homosexuality into the arms of their Creator."
Not in that kind of way, though. Probably just in a manly-style fist-pound and hearty back pat.
According to www.lovewonout.com, the Web site sponsored by Focus on the Family, conference participants can get answers to questions like, "are people born gay?" or "how will gay marriage affect our society?" and the classic, "what's on the gay agenda?"
Fittingly, speakers (some of whom identify as former homosexuals) will address issues of overcoming same-sex attraction, treating unwanted homosexuality and basically detailing why they find it of utmost importance to, well, pray away the gay, if you will.
Now, friends, I'm fully in support of finding a cause and running with it, whether it's drinking soy milk, refusing to jaywalk or even championing the fight to stop the gruesome midget-juggling competitions that run rampant throughout Midwest cornfields.
Perhaps Focus on the Family, however, could use their legions of followers to eliminate issues a slightly more socially pressing than homosexuality. To help them out I've come up with a list of options, which they are more than welcome to chant during their meeting.
Pray away the Fray: The world could probably do without this Mix 96.9-worthy pop sensation, even though I have to admit I tear up every time I hear "How to Save a Life."
Pray away Valentine's Day: What larger false idol is there than a giant box of Red Hots espousing candy-coated pre-marital sex? You can't win with sin.
Pray away San Jose: If Dionne Warwick has finally found it, she's probably not at all impressed. But then again, smog and a mid-sized airport never really did it for me, either.
Pray away cliche: Those trite sayings have always been there to haunt you, and personally, I know that Lorelai Gilmore and I have had enough.
Pray away the gamma ray: I thought I heard it was bad, but I didn't really understand the Wikipedia definition. So to make up your own mind, consult your local physicist.
Pray away the toupee: With all the current options for hair replacement therapies out there, just decease the piece. Or better yet, embrace your bald head. Let it stand as a glistening beacon that shows that you, too, have never dug the rug.
Pray away "Carlito's Way": And any other mob movie that is NOT "Goodfellas." The Ray Liotta classic totally blows away all other mafia films, including "The Godfather." Yeah, I said it.
Pray away the breakaway (as in pants): These fashion faux pas are absolutely unnecessary and ridiculous, unless you're a professional basketball player or an independently contracted exotic entertainer.
Pray away the cheese tray: All right, so I do have some slight issues here. People who believe this are obviously dead wrong. A party is severely not cool unless there's cheese. No diggity. No doubt.
So next time you're thinking, "this person next to me makes me uncomfortable-is it all right to hate them?", just slap yourself. Nothing makes friends better than a mixed cheddar platter and watching Joe Pesci get made.
Heather Hull would like to pray away the awkwardness of being a partial graduate student. Out your
cheddar-loving self at: heather.hull@asu.edu.
