In what unconscious state of mind
Could I have possibly been in,
To miss out on all the campaign fun of
Undergraduate Student Government election season?
I was outside the Memorial Union Tuesday
When it was shoved into my hand:
A green election day flier
With the backing support of a rock band.
"Vote for Liz!" the slip demanded
As I stepped back aghast.
"Oh no!" I cried internally,
"This is worse than 'Pluto Nash!'"
How could I have bypassed the situation
To which I normally place so much thought?
This season usually beats out Christmas for me,
So how could it be that I completely forgot?
Think clearly now, act quickly.
What was I supposed to do?
I've never felt so out-of-touch,
Or as dumb as Daphne from "Scooby Doo."
I took a look around me.
Suddenly, there were signs all over the place.
Banners, billboards, the matching T-shirts
And a smile on every campaign volunteer's face.
Frantically, I searched for my celly
To find a kind ear to whom I could vent.
Then it hit me like a big yellow school bus:
Why should I care? Now I'm a graduate student.
No wonder I've been so blind to the times,
I graduated last May!
It really doesn't seem to matter at all
Who reigns supreme this election day.
The faces are not classmates,
Nor are the promises aimed at me.
I'm ignorant of all the issues.
Holy crap. Hot diggity!
At once a wave of irenic calm
Swept over me from toes to snout.
The kind of peaceful, easy feeling
That The Eagles sing about.
I can't believe I just made that allusion
Because The Eagles are a horrendous band,
But I can take in sweet assurance that
They'll never beat out the greatness that is Steely Dan.
So should I even bother to mention
The five campaigns that are vying for your vote?
Perhaps my time is better spent investigating
The rumor that Tony Robbins' house has a moat.
Does it matter that there's now two vice presidents
Or whose promises sound the most sincere?
Or call out Christopher Murray for his campaign
Which is a total copy of Bryce Underwood's last year?
Could it be that this is the time of realization,
The loss of innocence, the coming-of-age?
Have I finally become the cynical voice
Of The State Press opinion page?
I can't be! This is madness!
One can drown in all this strife.
But I'll bet the cure can be found at the bottom
Of an ice-cold Miller High Life.
What the heck, I'll just get the 12-pack.
After all, it's only $8.99.
I'm sure that once I polish that off,
I'll be back to my old self in record time.
And it will once again truly matter
When I see a candidate on Hayden Lawn
And then run after them eagerly screaming,
"It's with you I'd like to spawn!"
Perhaps I really can save my admiration,
So for now, please save your scoffs.
Because we both know that I've still got ample time
Before the always-impending run-offs.
And while I work myself out of the mire,
From my burgeoning state of apathy,
Please allow me once last indulgence
To my ultra-creepy love of USG.
Now I'll leave you with my favorite adage
From the movie "Dazed and Confused,"
Which here seems only fitting
Although it is often overused.
It expresses so well that Wooderson
And I share the exact same page:
"I may be the one getting older,
But they all stay the same age."
Reach the reporter at: heather.hull@asu.edu.
