In college, finding that special some one sometimes takes a backseat to finding that special two or three. As students take this time to dabble between open and closed relationships, what is acceptable and what works best to ensure a general well-being?
The costs and benefits from open and closed relationships are often weighed in the physical realm, but the emotional and mental questions that arise from each type of relationship can have significance as well.
Phillip Hathaway, a music education freshman, says he was involved in mostly closed relationships, “until I really thought about why I was dating that person, which was just to date and have some fun on the side; nothing permanent.”
Hathaway says most of the girls he dated in the past were friends, so he took the relationship to the next level. He says he looked for “someone to chill with when things were hectic; maybe a little sex here and there, the usual stuff.” After a period of time, though, his girlfriends began to get “attached and clingy.”
Dustin Williams, a business and Spanish freshman, has also been involved in open relationships as well as closed relationships. However, Williams’ main difference is that he says he prefers “one main girl and others on the side.” Williams says that open relationships “keep you on your toes and prevent boredom.”
“The downside is that it can be hard to coordinate schedules and what-not with multiple girls,” he says.
Closed relationships, on the other hand, “are good because you can really get to know the person and be very comfortable with them,” Williams says. Unfortunately, Williams says, “they can get boring, and if there is something that you do not like about a person, it can get irritating quickly.” Williams suggests open relationships for high school and early college years, with closed relationships for a more serious time later in life.
Not all men choose open relationships over the more serious, closed relationships. Some, like Jeff Thompson, a civil engineering freshman, believe in closed relationships. “I feel like there is no trust between partners in open relationships,” Thompson says.
“The only way to prove to someone that you love them is to be in a closed relationship,” he says.
From a woman’s point of view, Pilar Hall, a business and finance sophomore, is also in favor of closed relationships. She met her boyfriend during a freshman ASU 101 class, which eventually led to their relationship.
Hall says they both only believe in closed relationships. “I love that I have his trust and that we have an understanding about what types of relationships we’re in,” Hall says.
“We both have never had [as] strong of feelings for anyone as we do toward each other. When I’m around him I feel happy and whole. When I’m doing something, I always feel like he should be right there doing it with me,” says Hall.
For many students in closed relationships, issues like jealousy, low self-esteem, feeling inadequate, hurt feelings, lack of trust and being self-conscious affect emotional and mental health. “I think, in the end, everyone wants a closed relationship, [because] jealousy comes into play in [open relationships],” Hall says.
Open relationships may also be beneficial to some students, as they avoid the emotional attachment and possible traumatic breakup that can be found in closed relationships. There may also be false hope and harsh realizations when one person in the relationship decides their partner is not “the one.”
“I like open relationships because I don’t need to be tied down by one other thing at this point in my life. It’s just less of a hassle to not have to deal with those attachments and emotions,” Hathaway says.
“I enjoy the idea of a closed relationship, but unless I find someone who’s really the right person, they’re not for me.”
Jenny Guerra, an elementary and special education sophomore, says she was involved in an open relationship but never used the option of seeing other people.
Guerra says break-ups in open relationships don’t cause as much emotional pain, but there still are disadvantages in general. “The split-up is a lot different for an open relationship. It’s not as hurtful as a closed relationship, but at the same time when you were seeing the person, you kind of wish that it would become more serious,” Guerra says.
“I think open relationships are best when you have a friend whom you may want to do sexual things with, but do not wish to be with them for the rest of your life,” Guerra says.
Freshman Devin Rogers says that she enjoys being in a closed relationship. “I don’t have to worry about our status all the time,” she says. She says she doesn’t want to “second guess anything,” like who her boyfriend has been with or will be with.
“I think open relationships are easier to get hurt in because in most cases that I’ve seen, someone in the relationship usually gets more attached than the other,” Rogers says.
Some closed relationships may end in marriage, but Rogers says that, “just because you’re monogamous doesn’t mean you’re married.”
However, some students may decide marriage is the main goal of their current relationship. Brittni Napier, a political science freshman, is currently with someone she says she believes she will marry. “It is romantic to think that a man can choose you and only you, and spend their life or time with you,” Napier says.
Many closed relationships, like Napier’s, can boost self-esteem and confidence, eliminating the need to worry about partners cheating. “It’s flattering to know someone is only into you and no one else, and it makes you feel special and have a sense of confidence as well,” Napier says.
However, temptation may play a part in the eventual demise of a closed relationship. “The downside is that some people get bored with one person, or temptation kicks in and you end up being unfaithful,” Napier says.
Concerns lie on both sides of the relationsip spectrum. Perhaps, as Rogers says, the best is to choose a relationship scenario that fits best at the moment. “Always be aware and don’t be afraid of finding the person you care for the most and commiting. Have fun with it and don’t get caught up. Don’t stress yourself out.”
Reach the reporter at reweaver@asu.edu.
