I sincerely hope that I never attain "celebrity" status, though I realize this is almost inevitable.
Why would I want to pass up on the millions of dollars, the glamorous lifestyle, the adoring fans? My answer is simple: I want to love one woman for the rest of my life and I want to maintain a family. And from what I've seen, in Hollywood this is nearly impossible.
I'll take my family truckster, my T-shirts, my mutt and my privacy; you can have the exotic cars, expensive wardrobe, pedigree pooches and flashing light bulbs.
I'm told that nearly half of all marriages end in divorce, though I wonder what that total would be if we only look at celebrity mergers — I mean, marriages.
Suzanne Lopez, a Los Angeles psychotherapist who counsels celebrities, says, "I think that there are people in the business who have long-term successful relationships, and they work really hard at them, just like there are people in everyday life who have successful relationships and they work really hard at them."
Lopez failed to cite any examples of this, likely because she didn't want to face the inevitable "I told you so" from her peers when her example of marital bliss turns sour.
So let's look at the way these relationships begin.
Now, I know a significant amount of them get started while working together, which makes sense. Then you have those who let their agents arrange a relationship for them with the obvious intent of generating publicity. Is it any surprise that these relationships end?
After a period of dating, which seems to equate to showing up at movie premieres and worthless award ceremonies together, many couples throw a huge party for themselves, formerly known as a wedding, the vast majority of which are multi-million dollar affairs, complete with guest lists that I wouldn't be at all surprised if fans voted for.
The one exception that I found is the wedding of Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton, who were married in a posh little Vegas chapel to the tune of $189. Jolie's ring, which was probably edible, ran Billy Bob a cool $29. Perhaps there is hope for the celebrities after all. Then again, we're talking about a couple who wear a vial of each other's blood around their necks at all times.
I'm sure there are other celebrities who have modest weddings that probably only cost a couple of hundred thousand dollars, but no one's interested in those, right?
But what happens when a marriage gives way to the demands of two careers?
Shame on me, but I will use the most current example of Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman. These two, who share two adopted children, have given the general public the pleasure of knowing every intimate detail of their divorce proceedings. And for some unknown reason, people seem to care.
Personally, it's a full-time job looking out for my own interests, let alone giving a crap about two people that I will never know on even a remotely personal basis.
A spokeswoman for Kidman and Cruise announced their separation, claiming their respective careers kept them apart too long and too often to maintain a marriage.
That's hilarious because I have heard that Cruise and his newfound love, Penelope Cruz, are planning to marry in the not-too-distant future.
Hey Tom, tell me something — if your career was responsible for the demise of one marriage, why would you ever think that your new wife will somehow change this? Come on Tom, show me the adaptive reasoning skills!
So who really suffers when these matches made in, um, heaven, turn out to be the wrong fit? Granted, the ill-fated couple is faced with dividing up more money and assets than a small army of bean-counters can keep track of, but let's think about someone besides ourselves for one second. What about the kids?
For one month, junior gets to bask with mom on some beach in the French Riviera, then he hops on a 15-hour flight to go see Dad "work" 75 hours a week on his new film. Sounds like a good time, huh? It's not as if the parents still live in the same city, or state, or hemisphere. Is it safe to assume that this will take its toll on a child?
To all the current and future celebrities out there, I want to thank you for your time invested in putting smiles on our faces. I know it requires many sacrifices, but don't let any of them be your children. There will be an endless amount of movies and television shows for you to cash in on, but your children will only have one chance to grow up and it's time for some of you to realize this.
As a disclaimer, I am in no way, shape or form accusing all celebrities of this selfish behavior, but I have found more than a couple examples of such and, believe me, I haven't looked hard, and that's the problem.
Well, that's my two cents. I hope you all have enjoyed reading my thoughts this past semester, but believe me, the pleasure was all on this side of the column! Best of luck to you in your future endeavors, and may God continue to bless us all!
Michael Pameditis is a computer science engineering senior. Reach him at mike.pameditis@asu.edu.
