On Sunday a group of scientists in Massachusetts claimed they had created the world's first cloned human embryo. The embryos only grew for a few hours, but this latest and greatest step in cloning got me thinking. What if we could genetically engineer some notable Arizonans and fix all their flaws in the meantime? Here's how it might turn out.
* Joe Arpaio: The rumors floating through the local media is that there are already a few Joes roaming around. How else could the Maricopa County sheriff end up on TV and in the local papers so much? If this guy were given any more attention around here, he'd need to have his own 24-hour channel.
But while the cloned Joe would be just as tough on crime, the new, more sensitive Joe could read the murderers and rapists bedtime stories each night. And instead of calling a press conference every time he changes the prison menu, the only calling new Joe would make would be to tell his mom hello.
* Sports fans: The Diamondbacks didn't start consistently selling out their playoff games until they went to the World Series. The Cardinals have about as many fans as I have outstanding ASU parking tickets. And the biggest rivalry game in the state, the ASU-UA football game played on a gorgeous Friday afternoon, wasn't even sold out. Everything in this state seems to be growing at an exponential rate, except the local fan base.
But the new, genetically engineered Arizona sports fans would show consistent loyalty to their teams by attending home games. The cities of New York, Chicago and a few others discovered this type of cloning technology many years ago. Strange how that works.
* Frank Lloyd Wright: A strange choice, I know. But considering that the cities of Chandler and Scottsdale are both facing strong opposition to monuments to be constructed in his honor, I think he'd be a good candidate for cloning.
Maybe the new, genetically superior architect who designed Gammage Auditorium could figure out how to build dorms that don't look so much like prisons.
* The entire Tourism and Sports Authority: For this sorry group, we shouldn't change anything. Just replicate it exactly as it is now. What better way is there to create more comedy in the world? This group is specifically appointed by the governor to do things like figure out where to put football stadiums. Problem is, they just can't do it.
If we had more TSAs, what could be more amusing than to watch as they struggle to find a place for little league fields or playgrounds. By the 10th generation of cloning, they probably won't know where to put their socks and shoes.
* Lattie Coor: We're going to need a new president pretty soon, and why not create a younger, stronger super-Lattie to lead ASU long into the 21st century? That goofy smile and cool accent deserve to be duplicated.
I also have a feeling that NAU could benefit from an extra Lattie too. Word is NAU had a few problems with their last president. He clearly could have benefited from cloning.
* John McCain: Love him or hate him, I just think it'd be kind of neat if this state had someone other than a Diamondback who was respected on a national level.
You wouldn't really have to change much in the new, ultra-McCain. Maybe if there was a way to make his father a former president, or just eliminate the Vietnam War completely, he could be improved. But I don't think the cloning technology has advanced quite that far yet.
* Jerry Colangelo: Maybe the most influential and respected man in the state, it's not easy to improve on the Valley sports mogul. But the new Jerry would not only be in charge of the Diamondbacks, Suns and Rattlers, he would also play for each team.
Every pro sports owner has the deep-seeded desire to hit the field, and through the miracle of cloning, new-Jerry could finish the ninth inning for the D-Backs, play center for the Suns, and quarterback for the Rattlers.
Maybe this cloning thing isn't such a bad idea after all.
Adam Kress is a journalism senior. Reach him at jtreered@aol.com.
