So, you want to know where stuffing comes from? Well, Baby Stuffing, it's only natural to be curious and I think you're old enough to finally hear this. Since your father was eaten on Thanksgiving, I suppose I'll have to tell you.
Making stuffing is a magical thing. Every once in a while, some stale bread, eggs, celery and liver chunks fall in love with one another... this is harder than I thought.
Well, you know how your friend Candy Yam was made from Mommy Marshmallow and Papa Sweet Potato? Well, it's like that, only you have two mommies and two daddies. I know we don't always get along, but that doesn't change the fact that we all love one another very much.
I know I've been spending most of my time with Daddy Egg lately, but even if you don't like her, French Toast is still your half-sister and you will show her respect!
Now, where were we? Oh yes, when celery, liver, eggs and bread fall in love, we get all mixed up into a giant bowl. That's when the magic begins.
Then we all get into -- how should I put this -- a turkey's rectum. Don't scoff at me. I was young then, Thanksgiving was just around the corner and turkey rectums were all the craze. Would you have preferred it if we never entered the turkey rectum and aborted you instead?
I don't know why I try explaining this to you Baby Stuffing. You can sit back all high and mighty and judge me, but the fact of the matter is that without the turkey's rectum, you would have never been born.
Oh, I see, then you would be happy. Don't give me that pitiful look. You have a lot to live for. Don't even think about growing mold! You're second to no side dish. The cranberries run all over the place, mashed potatoes are addicted to the gravy and don't even get me started on the green bean casserole -- talk about a culinary orgy!
After you are cooked inside the turkey, they take you out and serve you to all the nice folks. That's what happens to all your brothers and sisters; they were eaten by the hungry people.
Don't worry Baby Stuffing. Someday they'll eat you too. This Tupperware is only temporary.
What happens then? Well, you'll see daddy and all your brothers and sisters and we'll all be together again. Someday, Baby Stuffing, someday.
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DISCLAIMER |
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This is called a disclaimer. A disclaimer is for nimrods that haven't caught on to the fact that the last issue of The State Press is The Stale Mess. All quotes and situations are completely fabricated. That means made up. Still confused? Look at the girl next to you. See her boobs? Touch them. That's right, they're fake. So is the The Stale Mess! Enjoy. |
