In the last few years, dollar stores have been popping up faster than zits on a teenage boy (It was zits or erections. I stand by my choice).
That's all well and good for the fat cats rolling around in their Kias, or Mr. Money Bags with his fancy indoor plumbing, but some of us just can't afford a dollar for a pound of Beefy Mac. Luckily, some nice corporate man has heard our prayers and answered them with two simple words: 99 cents.
I know college kids and corporate America have had their share of fighting in the past, but the 99-cent store that just opened on Southern Avenue and Rural Road is a big part of the healing process. No more predatorial pricing from the Dollar and More store. And there is something just plain suspicious about the 98-cent store on University and Hardy drives.
Since I want this newfound relationship to last, I've compiled a user's guide to the store, broken up into three parts. The "very" (as in very cool for 99 cents), the "wary" (you best be cautious when buying these) and the "scary" (for heaven's sake, spring a couple extra bucks and get these somewhere else).
If we all keep these categories in mind, we can build a lasting relationship with our 99-cent friends.
To get us off on the right foot, I'll start with the "very." I've been to this particular store about five times in the last week, and every time, I have left with another copy of Hulk Hogan and the Wrestling Boot Band CD, Hulk Rules. This musical compilation of the Hulkster's work is a steal, and includes a ballad to a young fan of his who died, entitled "Hulkster in Heaven." At last look, there were about 30 of these CDs left, so you better hurry.
For underwear, you have your choice of Star Wars or Teletubbies briefs, both in packs of three (But why choose? $1.98 isn't much to pay for being diverse in the undie department).
In case there was some nagging doubt about my loser-hood, there were also these really cool Star Trek Soapers -- sponges in the shape of those Star Trek lapel pins with soap inside the sponge. Hygiene has never before been this fun.
The last thing I bought was a pack of six non-poisonous mouse glue traps, just because I thought those might be fun at parties.
Now for the "wary," or things that you just might want to give to somebody else to try first. For those who love the taste of Spam but can't afford it, Armour brings you Treet, which advertises as having the taste of Virginia baked ham without all the nuisances of Virginia baked ham. Just feed some to a hobo or an orphan and see how they take it before ingesting.
Then there is the Real-Fresh Chocolate Fudge pudding, which is blue. I like pudding, and I like blue, but something tells me I don't like blue pudding. That something is my love of a fully functioning bowel system. Finally, beware of Gravy and Meatball, which advertises as being a "product of Canada."
Maybe I'm just old fashioned, but I don't think being a product of Canada is anything for a meatball to be proud of, so just be careful. Beside that, it's always good to keep meatballs and gravy separate until ready to serve unless you want gravy-balls.
Finally, we come to the "scary" items. Unless this 99-cent store has developed a new cost-efficient way to produce latex, I wouldn't trust the 99-cent 12-pack of Fantasy condoms, unless your fantasy involves lots of little babies with venereal diseases running around.
Only slightly better of an idea would be picking up the Sweet Love disposable douche. If you have a not-so-fresh feeling, you pay a minimum of $6, like the rest of America, to take care of it. All right, so I haven't been douche pricing lately, but my gut tells me anything below six bucks is wrong.
Then there is the basal thermometer, which helps women keep track of their ovulation cycle, for just under a dollar. I'm beginning to notice a trend, so let's make a rule to condense the scary category. Anything that deals even remotely with your genitals or any extension thereof ought to be purchased at the highest price you can find. Buying that stuff for 99 cents, well that's just not the kind of message you want to send to your genitals.
This 99-cent store is the largest one in the Valley, and I want to see it last at least for the remainder of my college days. Keeping it lawsuit free would help, and now you have a guide to keep you and the store on good terms, so use it. If you want a more direct guide, here you go: if it's clothing or entertainment, spend away. If you're ingesting it, always pray, and if you're running it through your veins or vital organs, stay away.
